


13 Reasons Why

by jisungbabe



Series: 13 Reasons [1]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: (not weird or gross i promise), Abusive Relationships, Angst, Anxiety, Bulimia, Depression, Drug Use, I'm just warning you, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Content, Smut, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Violence, but it doesn't actually happen nor is any part described, but not really smut, don't read if you're triggered by a lot of things, it's hard to describe, probably gonna cry a lot, theres hint of a non-con situation, this is just a fuck load of tags saying how you shouldn't read this but please read this, underage relationships, youngjae's life is shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-08-12 02:22:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 46,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7916698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisungbabe/pseuds/jisungbabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Hello dear listeners. </i><br/> </p><p>  <i>If you've received these tapes, it's probably because you're one of the thirteen reasons why I decided to kill myself. Yes, that's right. This is the voice of Yoo Youngjae. Kind of spooky isn't it? Hearing me after I'm gone? Did you know that I was going to kill myself? Did you know that you had an impact on my life? Maybe you're clueless, but here I am to fuck up your life. Maybe you don't care! Maybe you won't even listen to these, but instead throw these tapes away. Let's hope curiosity will get to you. Let's hope you'll listen and send them on to the next reason. </i></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <i>Anyways! Let's begin.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Rules

**Author's Note:**

> This story will have triggers to suicide, bullimia, drugs, depression, anxiety, and internalized homophobia. If anything bothers you or you believe should also be labeled for triggers, please let me know. This will be sad and angsty, so please brace yourself.
> 
> There is also a book with the same title that I got the idea from but that's where the similarities end! Please read the original version (13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher) it's really really good and worth your time!

The open road was just as beautiful as it was the first time I drove down it. I was only ten in the back of my parents car. Back then, camping at our cabin seemed silly but I still enjoyed every moment of it. That was before my parents decided it was time to focus solely on their jobs. Way before any of this happened and my life would be shifted off it's axis.  
  
Twelve years later and I momentarily enjoyed the soft blow of wind rolling across my cheeks from the rolled down windows of the piece of shit car. My mouth opened slightly as I slowed to an old bridge, taking the car at a slower pace as the wood creaked underneath the heavy tires. My dark eyes watched the road ahead of me as the car reached over the bridge, the creaking a testimony to the world around me.  
  
The box on the seat grew more interesting with time. I had vowed Yongguk I would wait until I got to the cabin. That's all I had to do before I could listen to the last tape. As I pulled up to the dusty cabin, my heart beat so harshly against my own chest, almost bursting at the possibility. What if I didn't like what I heard on my tape? I had listened to everything so far and I had only been mentioned once, so how could I be a reason?  
  
But this wouldn't be the intricate suicide letter that Youngjae planned out. No. This wouldn't be the way he would've ended things if it made sense. Youngjae was intricate and beautiful. He was everything-timeless and striking. This was the end of Youngjae's life but never his story.  
  
  
  
This all started just twenty four hours before. I had just gotten home from another long day of classes where I couldn't focus. Ever since the news of Youngjae had gotten out, I couldn't bring myself to care about anything. My classes were just another check on a to do list I had forced myself to do everyday. I had been in love with Youngjae since our senior year of high school but never did anything about it. The scary part was, I almost knew right away that my heart would be broken by Youngjae. He was effortlessly beautiful and I'm pretty sure he didn't even know it.  
  
He invaded my thoughts every day after the news came out. I was robot, going through the motions of my schedule. When I got home yesterday, there was a package on my doorstep. No postage, no address, nothing. It was plain and wrapped in the brown package paper with a single string wrapping around it.  
  
I picked it up, feeling the smoothness of the paper against my fingers. Not really concerned at the time, I unlocked my door and walked into the apartment. A cold burst of air hit me as I threw the package on my couch. I slid off my bag as I walked to thermostat, turning it up. It was December, the cold weather biting me through every step of the way. In some ways, it was the only thing keeping me alert these past few weeks. It seemed like yesterday I had asked Youngjae if he had any plans. He replied quickly that he did. I wish I knew that those plans were what he did. I couldn't even bring myself to admit that he had done what he had done.  
  
After I took off my jacket and raided my fridge for something to kind of eat, I remembered the package. I sat on the couch, my hands suddenly shaking just a little bit. What was looking at? Who sent me this? Finally, I took a deep breath and opened the paper on the side, sliding off the string wrapped around it as well. When I removed all the paper, it revealed a white box.  
  
The lid slid off as easily as the paper and I swallowed as I looked at the contents. There was a tape player, something I hadn't seen since I was younger, along with a pair of old looking headphones as well-the type to go over your head with the fuzzy ear pieces that fell off effortlessly and were a pain in the ass to keep on. There were 7 tapes next to it along with a folded piece of paper. I pulled out all of the tapes and the tape player, setting them on my coffee table in front of me. With shaking fingers, I unfolded the paper, letting my eyes fall on a worn out, hand drawn map of the town. There were colored houses and stars along with sloppy, familiar handwriting labeling each building. I took a deep breath in when I realized whose handwriting it was. Youngjae's.  
  
What was this? Why did I get this on my doorstep?  
  
Some of the houses had numbers in them and they coincided with the key on the other side of the map, telling whose house was which. Underneath it in hurried and fast handwriting, there was a note.  
  
_Hello dear listeners. If you've received these tapes, it's probably because you're one of the thirteen reasons why I decided to kill myself. Yes, that's right. These tapes will contain the voice of Yoo Youngjae. Kind of spooky isn't it? Hearing me after I'm gone? Did you know that I was going to kill myself? Did you know that you had an impact on my life? Maybe you're clueless, but here I am to fuck up your life. Maybe you don't care! Maybe you won't even listen to these, but instead throw these tapes away. Let's hope curiosity will get to you. Let's hope you'll listen and send them on to the next reason._  
  
_Anyways! Let's begin._  
  
_Here are the rules for these tapes. I don't expect you to follow them, but remember the old saying, "Respect the dead."_  
  
_Rule 1. Don't listen past your tape. This is crucial. Some of the secrets on these tapes are a little hard to hear, but if you feel bold enough, you can listen past it._  
  
_Rule 2. When you're done with your tape (or all of them if you've ignored the first rule, which I'm sure some of you will), please send them on to the next person. At the end of each tape, I have included the name of the next recipient and their address for your convenience._  
  
_Rule 3. Do not share these with anybody else who isn't mentioned in the tapes. These are meant for you to feel guilt, not anybody else._  
  
_Rule 4. Follow the map to each location, since each place is a pivotal place in my reasoning. This one I'm a bit more lenient on since a few of you don't have cars, or no way to get around, but if you can, I did work hard on the map. Show me one last little bit of gratitude._  
  
_Finally Rule 5. Don't mourn me. Just know you're a reason why, Feel guilt. Sorry if I sound rude, but this is partially my anger in the world. Why do people pity the dead? Why do we mourn them? Shouldn't you feel jealous? At least I did._  
  
_That's it. Those five rules. For s_ ome of you, it should be easy to follow. For others, not so much. Alright, put in tape 1, side A. Let's begin. You can head to the high school for this one. Set the atmosphere for the worst four years of my life.


	2. Tape 1 Side A: Jaebum

I turned the map over and over again in my hands with such shaky hands. There were a few tear stains on it, smudging some of the sloppy coloring. You could tell Youngjae did this in such a hurry that he didn't really put a lot of effort into it. My mind raced as I thought to all of the memories Youngjae and I had before I heard what happened. The past year we had really grown close. Granted we weren't close enough to actually be best friends or anything more, but the thought of actually being by his side throughout some of college was intense. I had admired him from afar for a bit at the point that we actually met that I could feel my hands shaking and the nerves building when he made any sudden movements. He actually thought I hated him when we first met and that's why I flinched away from him all those times. I made up some bullshit excuse that I was just really jumpy, not that I craved his touch entirely. His smile warmed my heart, and I couldn't bring myself to actually leave his side constantly.

Even now, just thinking about it, I missed him way too much. I missed whenever it was too late for him to walk back to his apartment and how he would stay over and sleep on the couch. I missed his judgmental looks whenever I did something stupid. Minutes later, he would be laughing about it, but the thought of the look was still there. Lips pursed, eyebrows scrunched together, eyes piercing through constantly. I couldn't shake it entirely. How are you supposed to when the one person you grew to love is so far away from you, gone forever? This was my last connection to him. This was the last time I would hear his voice forever.

I picked up the case with a big '1' in scrawny handwriting on the spine. When I opened it, I felt the plastic surface between my fingers. 'Side A' was written in the same handwriting. The first tape slid in way too easily. My heart raced, giving me goosebumps as I closed the player. Even my fingers were trembling like crazy as I plugged in the old fashioned headphones, letting the cool feeling of them settle into my hands. Was I ready for this? Was I ready to hear why he did what he did, nonetheless, what I did to help convince him to do it? I couldn't think back to one reason on what I could've done, but really, I had no idea of anything going on around him. How was I to know when he was so secretive on how he felt and all of his personal issues? Any time he had a bad day or didn't want to go out to do anything, I would try to be there for him, but he shoved me away and completely denied any words I said to him.

Finally, after I calmed my hands, I put on the headphones, leaned back and pressed play.

 

_Hello._

His voice rang in my ears as I paused it immediately. Too spooky to think about. How did he know how to always give me chills, even in death? Youngjae's voice was silky, like petting a cat who had just settled into your arms for once. It warmed you, purring even. Sometimes, when he sang, I felt myself getting close to tears because he would be so ethereal without even realizing it. Did he know he had such an effect on people? Surely not. I wished I had told him. I wished that at some point I had told him how much I cared for him. Maybe, just maybe, I could've saved for him.

As I looked back down at the tape player, a tear fell and hit the hard surface. When did I even start crying? Over one word? Hello? I scoffed, wiping away another falling tear before I looked down at the player, hitting play once again.

_Spooky isn't it? Hearing my voice when you know I'm dead?_

Yeah, no shit.

_Well, let me tell you my story. Since most of you are wondering where the fuck any of you fit in._

Hearing Youngjae cuss caused my breath to hitch. He usually refrained from cussing. It never really fit him anyways, being the angel like person he was. Always too nice, always too caring of others. How did he turn into somebody so bitter and foul-mouthed in his last few days? Or was this planned months ahead of time? How long of our time had been when he was planning any of this?

_This reason is all about Jaebum._

I cocked my head to the side as I tried to remember a Jaebum in high school. There was Im Jaebum, one of the lead scholars in school. His boyfriend, Choi Youngjae, and him were kind of the smartest kids in our class. I didn't know my Youngjae and him even knew each other. Unless it was somebody else. I shook my head, the bile in my throat slowly climbing up.

 

_This first tape will be a little weird. I'm testing out the waters, figuring out the style of how I should do this. I have it all written out. Maybe I should send letters instead._

There was a long pause, filled with a moment of breathing heavily.

_No. You need to hear my voice. You need to know how angry or emotional I get, and letters can't express that the way I need it to. So I'm going to start the same way my story did. Slowly, but harshly. Grab your maps, because I'm gonna send you on a scavenger hunt of memories. The first place I want you to go to is the big star on the front of the high school. Go ahead, pause, and head there. Unless you can't. Which I know some of you can't. Here's nice Youngjae again. The one who got trampled on so many times before._

I paused, my mind racing as I leaned forward and grabbed the worn out map. There was a star on the high school, just right across from the university. I debated whether or not I should actually go. Knowing me, I would probably burst into tears whenever I arrived, but this was for Youngjae. I would still do anything for him. I slid on my shoes again, pulling myself off the couch to actually go. Packing my backpack full of the tapes, I debated grabbing anything else I might need. Who knew how long this would take and how long I would be gone. I sighed, grabbing a few water bottles and a granola bar just in case. Before I left, I grabbed the only thing of Youngjae's I actually still had, a dark blue jacket with white drawstrings. I always left it sitting by the door, knowing I would wear it from time to time to still smell him. Creepy, I know, but I needed the comfort. I pulled it on before putting on my backpack again, this time walking out and heading towards the bus. 

It wasn't a long bus ride to the high school. I lived pretty close actually since I didn't want to be far from the university but it still wasn't close enough to walk. As I approached the stop and waited alone, I zipped up the jacket. The air bit at my bones as I breathed in quietly, letting the chill flow through my whole body.

"Daehyun?" somebody broke me out of my thoughts. When I turned around to see who had said my name, Himchan was standing there with a small look on his face. 

"Hey Himchan," I looked at my feet. He was actually the one who introduced me to Youngjae in high school. I hadn't really spoken to him since graduation because he went to a different college a couple of towns away. He probably had came back when he heard about Youngjae.

"You-" Himchan looked around to see if we were alone. "You got the tapes didn't you?"

Oh. So that's why he was here.

"Yeah. Just started them. I was heading to the high school," I nodded, "You on them too?"

"Yeah," he sighed, "I guess you'll hear. I just feel so fucking awful."

We were silent for a moment before a thought popped into my mind, "Did you listen to all of them?"

"I wanted to know the full story," he laughed bitterly, "Just-just promise me you'll keep listening. It gets bad, and it gets really hard not to go to some of these people and hurt them. But Youngjae wouldn't want us doing that."

"Oh," I looked away from Himchan.

"Just," he breathed in sharply, cutting himself off. When I looked back at him, he was crying, staring intently at me, "Just don't forget him like I did. I know how you felt, Daehyun."

I was silent for a moment before I looked at him again, "I wish he did."

Himchan smiled softly before turning away again, this time to the house behind the bus stop, "So do I." 

He waved to me and headed towards the house as the bus pulled up. I didn't even notice it approaching but once I did, I sighed softly, turning to get on. The bus driver smiled at me as I stalked past him. The entirety of the bus was empty, excluding a couple of younger looking kids at the front talking quietly to each other. Once I got to the back, I sat down and waited until I got to the high school stop. Before I could really think about where to go, I pulled out the maps and tape player again, pressing play as soon as I got the headphones on.

_If you're standing outside the high school right now and you don't know what to do, there's a bench across the street from it. Go, sit there, and listen._

I did as he instructed and settled into a comfortable position with one of my water bottles resting on my leg next to me. I breathed out softly and began to listen intently.

_The first time I ever thought of killing myself was when Im Jaebum tore me down completely. Let me fully start from when Jaebum and I first met, and I'll give the background story for all of those who didn't know how Jaebum and I knew each other. We were both scrawny awkward kids in the first year of school, sitting next to each other in the back of our class. Nobody wanted to talk to either of us so we ended up just talking to each other. From there, we grew up best friends. It turned out that Jaebum lived right across the street from me. Every day we would meet at our bus stop, ride the bus together, and hang out all day at school-only to come home and then hang out at one of our houses until dinner time. Go to bed, wake up, repeat. For nine years._

_Then the summer after junior high happened. We were awkward fourteen year olds, still finding out much about ourselves. Like me, for example. I found out I was gay when I was four-_

Youngjae was completely gay?

That was a complete bomb shell to me. Youngjae never made any indication about his true sexuality, everything just felt like true speculation. I knew he had some interest in men but I never quite knew what he preferred in the long run. I never felt like we were close enough for me to ask, and never felt like we weren't for me to know. I just wanted to wait for him to tell me himself. I believed back then, if I had waited around, he would tell me, and maybe I could confess and we would live happily ever after in love.

How naive.

Now that I think about it, it does make sense to me that Youngjae was gay. From the first time we met, some of his friends (mainly Himchan) were trying to push him to date the beautiful Hyemi. Even I knew how beautiful and radiant Hyemi was, but Youngjae wasn't having any of it. He claimed he just wasn't in the mood to be in a relationship at that time and his friends dropped it. And just even more tiny things from there.

But if he's declaring it now, why didn't he back then? Why let us believe he was bisexual or bicurious? (Maybe because you can't harm the dead.)

_-teen. It wasn't a life changing revelation, but I was more attracted to guys and just went along with it. My parents knew deep down, and accepted me. More than I can say for other parents. Enter you, Jaebum. You knew too, back then, that you were gay. We were the first people we told, but you didn't want to tell your parents, was even afraid to even mention the possibility. Did you know Jaebum, that when you told them, they would be accepting? Or did you just want to keep it between me and you because **you** didn't want to accept it yet? Either way, you convinced me to keep it a secret. Just like the kiss you shared with me shortly afterwards. How did you feel knowing you made me completely weak in the knees back then? Now when I see you, I feel disgusted and diseased-oh wait. I should talk more in the past tense. Y'know, since I'm dead. When I saw you before I killed myself, I felt like throwing up and cutting off my lips entirely. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me go back. Back to my bedroom at fourteen years old, kissing my best friend at the time. Your smile was infectious as we pulled away. I'm sure you could've heard the thumping of my heart. We kissed a lot that summer. It wasn't like much changed. We would kiss, and then do the same thing we always did. But then everything changed. Didn't it Jaebum? We talked about how at school nobody was going to be surprised. We talked about how we were still going to be best friends, but **just a little bit more**. Right? So first day of school when I don't see you at the bus stop, my heart raced a little bit. I told myself back then that everything was okay and that your mom probably dropped you off at our first year of high school, wanting it to be a big day and all of that. I calmed myself and walked off the bus, waiting to see you. But-and this is where it gets good, the rest of you listening-you didn't even look at me. You were standing next to some of the other kids in our grade. It seemed that they were interested in how you bulked up over the summer and got rid of your glasses. All things I hadn't even really realized. And you were ignoring me. I said hey, even tapped on your shoulder. When one of your new **friends** finally told you that I was trying to get your attention, you actually rolled your eyes. That hurt. Then, you actually turned to me and said,_

_"Go away Youngjae. I don't have time to deal with you right now."_

_Ouch. Like seriously. If that didn't hurt enough, you actually turned back around and said,_

_"What a fag."_

_Coming from somebody who was so afraid of being outed, I laughed at the irony. You, an actual gay person who spent all summer kissing me until both of our lips were so chapped, I actually invested in chap stick for the first time in years, had called me a fag. Does it sound harsh against your ears right now? Hearing what you called me all those years ago? Maybe it wouldn't be as bad if we weren't close. Maybe I would've even understood years later when I learned exactly what internalized homophobia was. But then, and this is actually laughable, you actually started dating Choi Youngjae. Also hi Youngjae. How does it feel knowing your boyfriend is a dick? Well get to that later on. This isn't the last time you'll be mentioned on these tapes, but you'll probably never hear the end of the tapes. You'll be too disgusted with a fag like me right?_

_I left you alone with your new friends and wondered what happened. Just the day before, you were by my side constantly, smiling and laughing. We even shared a kiss goodnight, bidding each other a farewell and a see you tomorrow. So what happened?_

_Did you realize as soon as you got to school you couldn't be seen with another guy? Did you realize that I was annoying and gross, probably a little clingy? Or did you realize that if you were seen with me, you would be labeled as a fag and be an outcast? Because that's what happened to me once **you** labeled me as one. Nobody wanted to be around me because we were still fresh to the age of sexuality and what everybody wants in their own life._

_That's right. Because of you, my first year of high school I was teased relentlessly and lived with no friends at all. I was truly alone. That was hard. At least I had my studies. I became really smart that year. Well, not as smart as Youngjae and you. But, enough to where I didn't have to pay attention in class at all. I hope you're looking at the high school and remembering all of this now. It's quite scary to think about it. Almost seven years ago, we were standing right there, and you called me the one word that ruined my freshman year. So thank you Jaebum. For showing me the truth about people. And how you started the trend of people always abandoning me. You are truly my first in a lot of ways. My first kiss, my first disappointment, and more importantly, my first reason._

It was silent again and for a moment, I thought Youngjae had ended this tape. Just as I was about to open the tape player to turn it over to the other side, he laughed. Even when it was dripping with bitter and sarcasm, his laugh was still beautiful. Still clear, still full of the life he doesn't have now.

_You don't even have to mail this Jaebum. Just turn to your new Youngjae and give these tapes to him. You could listen all the way through. I can't stop you. Literally, I can't. I'm dead. But just know you won't like what you're going to hear on the next tape. Your story is never over in my life Jaebum. You'll always have a hold on me. Even if I don't want you to. So this is the end of the first tape. How did I do? Good? Are you chilled to the bone yet? Just wait till your tape and you hear what you did to fuck me over. I just want you to know that in the end, if you don't pass these on, there will be consequences. I'm making a second set of tapes, and if they don't get to the end of it's journey, they're going to be released for everybody to hear. Won't that be fun? Hearing all of these secrets everywhere? So Jaebum, go ahead. Explain everything to Youngjae when he's done listening to his tape. Goodbye baby._

The tape filled with silence and I felt my throat go dry. He sounded so sinister and vindictive. Gauging by what Jaebum did all those years ago, this only felt like the very beginning. I could only listen on, waiting for my tape. None of them were labeled, so each time was going to be a surprise. Each tape, a way to completely tear me down in a way I didn't think was going to be possible. So I took a deep breath in, opened the player, and flipped the tape to Side B.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you so much for reading. Like I said, a lot of this story will be filled with triggers, since it is a sensitive subject. If any of you ever feel like you connect to some of these thoughts, or need somebody to talk to, you can always come talk to me. This is a touchy subject with myself as well since I have dealt with a lot of the thoughts Youngjae has, but please know that it can get better in the end. You guys are all beautiful and thank you for reading ^^


	3. Tape 1: Side B: Youngjae

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I have a visual of the map up at ultjunhongs.tumblr.com/moreinfo if you want to follow along. If you have any questions or just need to talk, you can get me there or at my twitter @mascmvs :)

_Hi Youngjae._

_Do you ever think about how weird it is to talk to somebody with the same name as you? It honestly sounds like you're talking to yourself. Maybe I'm finally crazy. Like full blown crazy and I'm just finding people to blame my problems on._ _But you're honestly **quite** innocent in all of this. Your boyfriend just really fucked me up. I mean, I could say you had nothing to do in all of this, but without you I don't think any of what I'm about to describe would happen._

I couldn't really breathe when I heard the venom in his voice. This wasn't the sweet, nice Youngjae I knew. Why didn't he let me know about any of this? Why was I so blind to his issues? Maybe if I hadn't had been so wrapped up in my own shit, I could actually have tried to help him. Maybe that's why I'm on here. Maybe it's because I actually had a chance to help and I ignored him. Maybe he wanted to confide in me but I blew him off. That almost seems far fetched because I was always open to him and tried to get him to talk to me when he seemed down. I never expected him to be this bad, just down on some days. 

_Do you remember the day he asked you out? You told me all about it. It was our freshman year and you two were working on a project together when he kissed you in the back of the library. Let's all take out our maps and head to the library then. We just have to head around the corner, but this time I want you to go inside, find the section on War History, and sit down at the probably abandoned table._

I stood up without question, listening to Youngjae's voice as I walked on. There was no need for me to pull out my map if it was right there, so instead I held the tape player in my hands nervously. What could've happened in these walls between the two Youngjaes. 

_Since that day it was always Jaebum and Youngjae. Joined at the hips or the lips. Never far apart unless absolutely necessary. When did he actually start to hit you?_

What? Jaebum hit Youngjae? Does he still hit him? I swallowed as opened the doors, pausing it so I could find where he had told me to go. The front desk was darkly lit as a woman typed away at a computer facing away from me.

"Excuse me," I tapped on Mrs. Woo's shoulder. Mrs. Woo was a kind librarian who always helped most of the students out. She encouraged most of us to do our work diligently just so we could do well on the college entry exams, mainly to show her own son, Jiho, that it could be done if there was enough work. He was always near her, working in the library after school and groaning when she nagged him on his own studies. He and I were sort of friends, but not enough to actually talk outside of school.

"Ah Daehyun!" she turned to me with a smile, "How are you holding up these days?"

"Not so well," I gulped as I moved the headphones off my ears. "Can you tell me where the War History section is?"

I watched her face falter for a minute before she grinned even brighter, "Of course. Of course. Working on a project?"

"You could say that," I mumbled as she stood up. She started to walk up the winding staircase behind the front desk to the second floor of the jam packed library. It was around finals time and everybody was crammed into their own study area.

"I didn't know you were taking any history classes this year. You're usually looking at something for English, right?" she said over her shoulder.

"It's more of a personal project," I swallowed thickly, "A friend needed me to help him out, and I owe it to him."

"Aren't you so nice," she turned to me when we got to the top of the stairs, "Wish my boy was as nice as you."

"Speaking of which, how is Jiho doing?" I changed the subject.

"He's doing well. Still going after that music production degree, but he's putting out his own music," she turned back to show me the way again and I followed silently, "He's having a show tonight at Moon and Stars. I heard Jongup finally got to promote some nights and I pushed him to schedule Jiho."

"You're like his manager," I smirked.

"Don't let him hear you say that. Anyways darling, if you're free, please check it out. It should be pretty fun, and from the looks of you, you need a night out," she stepped out of my way as she pointed to a pretty deserted section, "There's the War History section. I'll get out of your hair now."

"Thank you Mrs. Woo. If I have time tonight, I'll go see Jiho's show," I promised her, knowing I'll probably break it. She sighed, giving me a reassuring smile before turning back to the stairs.

The war history section ended up being pretty much sectioned off. It had a small entry between two bookcases, but with only a table in between the rows, it seemed relatively small. I shrugged off my own backpack before sitting at the table and starting the tape again.

_We first became friends over coffee during our sophomore year. You came to me in tears and as we sat in the corner of the cafe that day, you confided in me that he was coming over to your place late at night when your parents were asleep. At first it was innocent. Just cuddling and kissing. But soon, it became more than that. It was sex. A lot of it. At least, that's what you told me. When he started becoming too rough with you, you couldn't focus on anything. Almost like he was ruining your life with how rough he was. I thought when you cried to me and I told you to end things with him, you would. I told you of all the things he did to me that year. From the first day, to just a month ago when he pushed me against the locker after I told him he was a hypocrite. Did you know that he was doing that to me? No._

_You were blind._

_The next day you were arm and arm with him again in the cafeteria. Surrounded by your friends who were less shitty than him, like yourself. Jackson, the funny sweet guy next to you noticed the bruise I had ignored on your neck. You brushed him off and claimed it was all in good fun. Was it? Or was that when he truly started hurting you?_

_For months that year, we bonded over the shitty things Jaebum would do. The sick, twisted words forced our way. He just really hated the both of us but both of us were so blinded by love back then that we just let ourselves continue to get hurt. Yes. I loved Jaebum even then. My nine years of friendship with him outweighed the harsh insults and abuse that he clouded my freshman and sophomore year with._

_But, did you know, that one day, after we met to confide in each other, I saw him in the same library that you two first kissed? That day is still ingrained in my mind. I tried to tell you about this day once before, but you ignored me completely. He saw me, picking out books for my history paper. We had similar topics so I wasn't surprised to see him in the same section. He approached me with a soft and kind smile on my his face. I watched as his eyes looked over me in a soft manner, the first time since our summer together._

_"Can I see that book?" he had asked. I had looked down to see the first one I had actually required. Words wouldn't leave my mouth so instead I nodded and handed over to him. He didn't even look down at the book to grab it, but instead kept in constant eye contact with me. Do you see where I'm going yet?_

_He leaned forward and put both arms next to me, caging me in against the book case. His eyes searched my face for any reason for me to stop, but I gave him none. I was still a slave to him. After a few moments of staring, he leaned in and-_

I paused. Was this really what I wanted to hear? Did I linger to listen to him describe the one thing I longed to do for so long? Yes. This is what Youngjae wanted. He wanted all of us to listen to this and go through the pain and suffering he went through, no matter how each of us felt personally from it. Taking a deep breath and running a hand through my hair again, I pressed play.

_-kissed me harshly. My heart did a flip and I cursed at myself for letting him still get me this happy. I kissed back, letting my arms roam his body. He pressed closer and started kissing my neck. I tried so hard not to moan, especially when he pressed his knee into my crotch._

_"Do I get you hard Youngjae?" he whispered into my ear._

_"Y-yes," I stuttered._

_He continued to kiss all over whatever wasn't clothed-my neck, my forehead, my lips, by my ear. I let him, wanting even more and more of him._

_"Hey Jaebum!" we both pulled away, panting and a little scared. I turned back to the bookcase and he turned completely away from me. I didn't see who had called his name, nor did I care. I just wanted to leave. But with the fucking hard on he gave me, I only had enough time to sit at the table and hid it under the table. When I looked up, there you were, wrapping your arms around him and kissing the lips I had just kissed._

_Funny isn't it? I never told you about it. He probably never did either. I hope this is the first time you're finding out about it and I hope you understand that I'm not lying. Dead men can't lie right?_

_That wasn't the end of our meeting either. I still met with you and Jaebum continued to meet with me in that section of the library to make out with me in secret. It even went as far as hand jobs in the corner where nobody could see us. When either of us felt lonely enough, we would text the other, meeting up and comforting each other in sinful ways. Never did it go further than a blow job. OH yeah. We did that too._

_I mean, did you know he was cheating on you? I think you did, because once you came to me crying that sometimes, when he fucks you and he's moaning your name, he's not moaning your name, but mine instead. You cried to me, confessing you believed he still had feelings for me, but no way to prove it. You asked me to stay far away from him, for your sake. Not mine. I never called him after that. He always called me. Funny though. Once I stopped calling him, he couldn't get enough of me. I didn't want to hurt you Youngjae, but honestly, every time you cried to me about how your life with him was so terrible, I resented you. I still loved him. Fuck, even in my last moments, while loving another with so much passion, I still kind of do love him. They say you never forget your first love, but I didn't realize how much I would fall for that social construct._

_I still fucking hate you Youngjae for telling me to stay away from him. Those meetings in the library were always my way to get through the week. It got me through my sophomore year and my junior year. It wasn't until I told him to focus on you, that he did stop._

_"Stop seeing me. I'm not the Youngjae you're with if you forgot," I sighed.  
_

_"I just miss you," he pulled me close._

_"I think he knows," I stepped away, "And you let me go years ago. I shouldn't have let this happen."_

_"He hates you, you know?" Jaebum laughed bitterly, "Tells me all the time how he thinks you're stupid and gullible."_

_Gullible? Stupid? Thanks Youngjae. You can go fuck yourself and let yourself get cheated on. He fucking beat you senselessly and he cheated on you, and even though I told you to leave, I still went after him because you had him and I didn't. But even when I tried to be the better person, you still knew how to hurt me. I mean, I can't really talk about how to be a better person, when I was the one who caused him to cheat on you._

_I get that you're jealous of how I was his first love, but you had him Youngjae. Who cares if he meant to moan my name, when it was still the same name? Who cares if he was with me on some nights? He still came back to you and still fucked you. I'm just alone. Always was and now in death, I will be._

_Goodbye Youngjae. I hope in the next life you're not as manipulating and fucking rude._

_By the way, send this to my brother, Yongguk. My address is 342 North Grand Drive. I'm sure he'll love to hear what I have to say to him._

The tape went silent and I fell back in shock. Just where I was sitting, Jaebum and Youngjae-my Youngjae-did things that felt wrong. Before I could move, or flip to the next tape, I heard a cough behind me. There was Choi Youngjae, a deep breath rattling throughout his body. I tried not to move, as I waited for what he was about to say.

"You hate me don't you?" he chuckled sarcastically as he looked down at his feet, "I mean, I would if I were you. I hate myself."

"Did you know?" I asked before I could stop myself.

"On some level," he nodded, "Maybe not fully, but I knew they still loved each other. Jaebum told me about their past and his guilt from it all."

"He wasn't gullible," I spat at him, again without thought.

"I know," he sighed, "I was just angry that Jaebum wanted him at that time more than me. But he was right. Why does it matter when Jaebum was the one hurting the both of us? I shouldn't have been mad at him."

"Are you and Jaebum still together?" I looked down at the tape player.

"No," he shook his head. "After those tapes, it's hard to stay together. I realized how shitty he really was."

"The beating you up didn't tell you that?" I scoffed, standing up. Looking at him sickened me, no matter how innocent he truly looked.

"Look it's hard to get out of abusive relationships. You wouldn't know that kind of hold," he frowned, "And besides, he stopped after we graduated high school. Dr. Kwon really helped him."

"The therapist?" I scrunched together my eyebrows trying to remember where his office was. "By the movie theater?"

"Yeah," Youngjae looked off to the side, "I listened to all of them. Jaebum stopped after my tape, but I kept listening. I wanted to know the full story."

"Does it get worse?" I asked the one question that was bothering me.

He looked up at me with a sympathetic face, "Yeah. A lot worse."


	4. Tape 2 Side A: Yongguk

After I left the library, I couldn't focus on the tapes. I knew Yongguk was next, but the lingering feeling of talking with Youngjae was exhausting. I knew this was going to be a long night, the bright sun was already setting behind the university. I didn't want to head home, but I didn't want to pop in the next tape yet. So instead, I headed towards the park behind the football stadium. On the map that Youngjae supplied, he labeled it as a poor excuse for a "park" but I always loved it. The shitty playground was situated right in the middle. Half the swings were broken and most of the trees were pretty much dead year round. Sure it was a poor excuse for a park, but it was our park. East End was a shitty town, but at least we had the basics. If anything, we were more put together than surrounding towns. Technically a college town, East End was always bustling and busy. If it wasn't for the chilly weather and the high crime rate, we'd be a bit more popular. It wasn't fair being out in the middle of fucking nowhere, but it had it's charm.

After sitting on one of the only swings that wasn't broken, I decided to move onto the next tape, breathing in the cold, bitter air. I pulled out all the tapes, shuffling through to find the next one. Finally when I popped it in and grabbed the map just in case he told me to go somewhere else, I pressed play, waiting for the voice I longed to hear again.

_Hello brother._

_It's hard to believe that at the time all this happened, that you even cared about me. I was the middle child that was surrounded by wonderful, hardworking, smart children. Our parents hardly recognized anything I did since most of the time it was me who fell into your huge shadow. I wonder how they're taking the news of my suicide. I wonder if they even care._

_I know you don't. Especially since you've blown me off before. I tried so hard to look up to you and be more like you when I was younger. I got your hand-me-down clothes and school supplies. I never got new stuff because why would I when big brother Yongguk could just pass on his used shit? I mean, I know that's what our parents thought. You just always looked at me like I was the after thought of everything. It was hard to admit that you weren't the brother I thought you were going to turn out to be._

_Do you remember when I visited you at work in my junior year at school? Do you remember when I begged you to talk to me for a few minutes but you brushed me off and told me that I should just go home?_

_Yeah that was great brotherly times Yongguk. Almost like how I covered your ass coming home late every night of your senior year. You wouldn't tell me what you were doing those nights, nor did you really want to tell me. I could've been there for you bro, and you could've been there for me._

_For you and all those listening, leave the library and head towards the auto shop. I want you to see where the biggest night of my life happened._

I stood as I paused the tape and headed towards the closest bus stop, my heart racing as I remembered meeting Yongguk once.

**_Youngjae and I were going by his old house to pick up some of Youngjae's winter clothes before heading up towards Denton. We were going to go skiing for a couple of days with a couple of friends in college and he hadn't really moved his winter clothes into his own apartment yet. When we walked in, his brother was sitting on the couch and flipping between channels on their large TV._ **

**_"Hey bro," Youngjae sighed with a worrisome look on his face. Yongguk looked up and frowned slightly, looking over his face._ **

**_"Hi," he muttered, looking back towards the TV._ **

**_"This is Daehyun," Youngjae said a little too loudly. I hadn't paid much attention to it. Instead, I was looking around the large home, swallowing thickly as I moved from the entrance to the living room._ **

**_"Nice to meet you," Yongguk looked back at me._ **

**_"You too," I muttered._ **

**_"SO," Youngjae said loudly again, "Do you know where Mom and Dad put my winter clothes?"_ **

**_"No," he looked back at the TV after sizing me up, "Why would I?"_ **

**_"I don't know," Youngjae muttered under his breath, "Because you would give a shit for once."_ **

**_"Check the top shelf in your old room. They haven't been in there since you left and that's the last place you had them," he rolled his eyes. He seemed like he was talking with great difficulty every time he looked at Youngjae. I_ ** **_followed Youngjae up the stairs to his old room wordlessly. We stayed silent as he dug out a heavy box from the top shelf of his closet._ **

**_"Are you and your brother not close?" I asked carefully._ **

**_"He thinks he's too cool for me," Youngjae scoffed, pulling out multiple jackets. "Did you know that Denton has their own IMAX theater?"_ **

**_"We should go," I took the hint and dropped the subject of his brother. We talked about the different movies the IMAX was showing when we were to go as he pulled out different things he could wear._ **

**_"Thanks for not pressing about my brother. We don't have a great relationship," Youngjae sighed as he pushed the box back into the closet, "I don't know why. Just never have been close. I've tried, but he's always made it obvious that he doesn't like me."_ **

**_"Maybe he's just the strong but silent type," I smirked. Youngjae laughed, his eyes squinting up so beautifully. My heart did a couple flips and I restrained myself from leaning in to kiss him as he sat next to me on the bed._ **

**_"Still, thanks Daehyun," he smiled warmly at me._ **

The only time Youngjae had really opened up to me. Was I about to find out the truth about their relationship? This whole time I believed that he was just distant from Youngjae but was their another reason that they didn't really talk?

By the time I had gotten to the outside of the auto shop, I just stared at the front door. I didn't want to go inside without a true reason, but I wanted to look at Yongguk and ask him why he was never there for Youngjae? Why wasn't he a better brother? Why isn't he more sad about the whole situation?

_As you stand outside the auto shop, I wonder if you remember that night. If you weren't there, then stand in the middle of the street when there's no traffic and imagine me screaming at my brother to just-fucking-care._

_I showed up to your work one night when things were really fucking bad for me, crying and realizing what a miserable piece of shit I was. I needed somebody, and you were the first person I thought of. I don't know why. We were never close before, but I just thought maybe my own brother would finally let me open up to them._

_"Yongguk," I stood in the street screaming. I could feel your resentment and your hesitance from outside the shop. I stumbled up the short driveway to the garage doors and began to pound on them. I knew you closed up that night and that you were probably alone. So I screamed your name and kept screaming until you came outside._

_"I'm stupid," I screamed. You stayed silent._

_"I'm ugly and gay," I screamed again. You still stayed silent._

_"I'm so fucking gullible I believed that a man loved me," I crumbled to the ground. You stayed still and silent._

_"I'm gross and nobody loves me," I muttered as I began to choke on my own tears. You moved forward and placed your hand on my shoulder. I cried and cried. You didn't say anything until finally I breathed in and tried to calm myself._

_I thought you were at least going to say something to me. I thought you were going to comfort me and tell me that I wasn't any of those things._

_"Go home Youngjae."_

There was silence on the tape. If I listened intently, I could hear him crying faintly in the background, the noise of his room filtering in as he tried to calm himself. I wanted to do something, to reach out to him and comfort him like his brother should have done then. What reason would Yongguk have to say that? Why would he treat his own brother so shitty like that? Why wouldn't he comfort him?

I stepped from the curb and headed towards the front door, ripping it open as I still listened to Youngjae's silent cries over the tape.

"Yongguk," I paused the tape and called out, waiting for him to emerge from garage. He walked out, the same solemn face as he closed the door to the garage behind him.

"Daehyun, right?" his voice was solid and almost seemed like everything was normal for him.

"Why didn't you comfort him that night? Why did you tell him to go home?" my voice was louder than it should be and I tried really hard to keep whatever cool I had.

"What would you have done?" Yongguk looked away from me.

"Is that a serious question?" I scoffed, "I would've fucking told him he was crazy and that he was none of those things!"

"You don't know anything about me," he shook his head bitterly, "Look I'm sorry for what I did that night, but my brother and I never had a good relationship. That was mostly my fault, I agree, but you can't sit here and tell me how I should've acted. I was-"

"What? You were what? A dick? An asshole? Yeah, you were. So far, you are the worst person on these tapes and nothing will change that," I sneered.

"Just wait," he looked down, a sob erecting from his body, "I should've protected him. I fucked up. But my own family didn't love him as much as he should've been loved. He reached out to me, but I didn't do anything."

I stood in silence as he started to cry in front of me. Neither of us said anything as he calmed down and regained his composure. Finally, he gestured to the couch and went into the back office. When he came back out, he handed me a bottled water without saying another word. I sat down next to him on the couch, taking a long sip of the water.

"Keep listening," he finally said. So I did.

_Fuck you Yongguk. Sincerely and dearly from your brother. If you even consider me your brother. So I picked myself up and I went home. I was so drained and empty, without any sense in the world. When you got home about an hour or two later, we both sat in the living room watching some senseless show. No words were shared between us and you did nothing still to comfort me. Every time I looked over at you, I remembered those three words._

_Go home Youngjae._

_Go home Youngjae._

_Go home Youngjae._

_They still anger me. They still tear my heart open in two._

 

_I guess you could tell how I was feeling because you turned to me, a look of sorrow on your face as you opened your mouth to speak again, "Youngjae, I'm so-"_

_"No. I get it. I'm pathetic. It's okay. I'll learn to live with it."_

_I didn't even let you finish. I just stood up and walked upstairs to bed. I don't think I even said anything to you for three months. Didn't even look your way. Even when you would say something to me in passing, I ignored it, letting my feelings stir and brew even more than necessary. Because every time you did look at me, I would hear it all over again._

_Everybody say it with me this time._

_Go home Youngjae._

_What's home? Where you, Mom, Dad, and Yeji all ignored me and wanted me gone? Where my own room seemed like an isolation tank where I could go and think about all the ways I disappointed our family? What great acts did you do to deserve to be the favorite? Yeji was their only girl and the baby of the family so she was always favored as well. Then there was me. The gay, outcast son. Who got good grades, did a lot of extra curricular activities, and never skipped school. Who got accepted to our university with a full ride because of everything I did to make our parents proud. But no. I got a "Good job, son!"_

_Yeji got an entire night out and a new car when she turned 16. I got socks._

_You got your tv and sound system when you graduated college. I got a pat on the back and a bookcase when I graduate high school at the top of my class._

_Maybe living in your shadow made me bitter. Maybe being the middle child made everything worse. When our parents found out about my sexuality they were disappointed, even if they didn't show it. You did. You forced yourself away from me, sneering at me in distaste. I'm sorry I loved who I loved, but I guess it was just another reason to hate me._

_Guess what? Go home Yongguk. Go home and realize the piece of shit you are._

I stopped the tape and looked over at Yongguk. He was fiddling with his bottle of water, avoiding my gaze.

"Do you know how hard it was to listen to that? He thought I hated him because he was gay," Yongguk laughed bitterly, "I never- I never hated him. Not once did I think he was disgusting or any of those things."

"Then why-"

"Because it's really hard for me to talk about any of these things. I'm not good. With words. With feelings. None of it," his deep voice hitched on a couple of his words, "I should've tried harder, but I didn't know it was this bad."

I studied him for a moment before looking at the tape player again, "Nobody did."

We were quiet again, this time for longer. Neither of us knew what to do next and I could've sworn he was still crying. The end of the tape still had to be played and I needed to know who was next. I needed to know who else hurt him.

"How bad is mine?" I asked softly.

"I didn't listen to yours," he bit his lip in thought, "But it's near the end."

"So I have to go through most of this?" I jeered. "God this is torture."

Yongguk looked up at me inquisitively, "How long?"

"Huh?" I breathed out.

"How long have you liked him?" he asked again.

I was silent again thinking hard to when I really started to like Youngjae, "Freshman year of college. Met in senior year, but I really started to know him then. Mutual friends through Himchan."

"Is that the loud annoying one?" Yongguk scrunched up his nose.

"That's the one," I laughed softly. Again silence enclosed around us. I breathed in sharply and looked over at Yongguk. "I wish he knew you cared for him."

"Me too," Yongguk nodded, "I wish I did a lot of things differently."

I stood up, picking up my backpack as I did. He watched me, eyes cautious as I spoke up, "I still really don't like you, but I do need to keep going. Just please make sure you don't ever treat anybody else like this."

"I'll see you around Daehyun," he looked away. I turned without another word and walked out the door, pressing play on the tape player again.

_You pop back up on these tapes again, big bro. But I don't want you to listen all the way through yet. Stop here and send these tapes to Kwon Jiyong. He lives at 232 South Wiltern Avenue Apartment 35. He's the next in this long series of wrong doings._

_See you soon._


	5. Tape 2 Side B: Jiyong

Kwon Jiyong was a senior when Youngjae and I were freshmen. I barely knew him other than his unprecedented reputation of being the school's local hard ass wannabe. He ran around with four other guys who followed his every move without question. He led them with a sense of superiority to himself. Honestly, if it wasn't for his artistic ways, he probably would be laughed at. He was an amazing artist, spreading the entire art department in some outrageous yet beautiful huge piece of art that would outshine the rest of the art students. If I remembered correctly, he graduated and got into our local college on a full ride to the arts department. His eye for color was amazing and unique, something no teacher had seen yet. He was truly ahead of a lot of us in the art front.

Our time in school together was only a year, most of it he was skipping to go off and do some big art project. I only had one class with him and it happened to be a bullshit health studies class you could take as an elective. We both sat in the back, silent the whole time without a fuck to be given about any of the material in front of us. It was an easy A. Just show up, read the material, take a quiz, leave. Every few days we would have a quiz and that would be our grade for the class. Talk about a great public education. Last I heard of Jiyong, though, he was in charge of the large mural being painted on the side of the gas station by the university. How would he have any relation to Youngjae at all? I don't remember Youngjae ever mentioning him or anything about him at all. In fact, I don't think he even knew Jiyong existed. I only heard of him from the whispering girls in our health studies class when he walked in, and even more about him when I asked Himchan later that day about him. My only opinion is from what Himchan told me to be honest. Judgemental prick.

So when I breathed out and began to play his tape, I couldn't quite breathe listening to Youngjae's venomous voice greet me again.

_Jiyong._

_Our relationship was very brief, but very angry. Most of it was you yelling at me about how worthless I was and how I screwed up your life, but even now, years after all this happened, you're fine. Your life is fucking great. I mean, until I let this out and everybody on these tapes finds out what you did. How about we start to the day I found out? The day I tripped into your dirty little fucking secret that could ruin more lives than just mine? How would you like it if the police caught wind of what happened back then? Statuary rape technically. Would it attract headlines? Dead Boy Reveals Illegal Relationship Between Teacher and Student! I wish I was alive to see those headlines across all the papers across the nation. It's funny, even now, before I do all of this, you are one of the only ones who I didn't have a close relationship with before. You were just another fuck in my life to cause me grief._

_I can't even think about you now, recording this, without getting worked up._

_Dear listeners, take your time getting to the gas station on State Street. It's a long story and I want you to listen on your way there._

Youngjae took a deep breath in and there was silence for a moment as I made my way there now. It was a bus ride and a small walk away from the auto shop, but I was excited nonetheless to get there to see Jiyong's art and listen to Youngjae's work. The contrast of beauty and hatred was too hard to ignore even with just a smidgen of thought.

_This story begins with myself. I was failing an art class my freshman year of high school. I wasn't very artistic and even when I did something kind of good, it wasn't as good as that pricks. Sometimes, when I think about it, I see that guy smirking over his work, acting like he was the best in the world. He was only praised for his use of colors, but the rest of his technique back then was god awful. Weird, unmotivated smears across canvas. There was no passion in his art back then. Until I guess I fucked up Jiyong's life._

_Regardless, I'm getting sidetracked._

_I went to the art department, seeing if there was anything I could do to boost my grade. I was desperate to boost my only bad grade that year. Everything else was acceptable, but when my parents saw the 'D' in art class, they took it upon themselves to scold me for hours, rather than praise me for the six 'A' grades I had. Hilarious right? Once I reached Mr. Kang's classroom, I realized he wasn't there, probably having head home as soon as the last bell rang. Sometimes Mrs. Kim could give him messages from students-she had done it for me before-so I sighed, despair and desperation ringing in my chest as I headed towards her classroom._ _But when I got there, I didn't see her door open like usual. Instead, it was closed and the lights were off. It was strange for Mrs. Kim to leave so early as well. I was naive at this point, let me remind you, so I crept up to the window of her door and peered in. There was Mrs. Kim, no shirt, no bra, and skirt pushed up so far that it was bunched at her waist. There was Kwon Jiyong-only 16 at the time; I doubled checked-between her legs, without a shirt or pants either. First time I ever saw a man's ass that close before. It was shocking just how simple it looked for them to be doing that. Almost like they had been doing it for years, without any shame at all. My mouth flew open and as I moved to leave hopefully unseen, I tripped and landed on the door. Both of them shot up, and looked in my direction, turning to me as they dressed themselves._ _Jiyong, you actually came out to the hallway in such a rage that you accused me of peeping on the two of you for my "sick twisted ways". Like I already knew what you two were doing and wanted to get my rocks off of you two fucking so easily seen. I don't know how you two weren't caught before that. You were in direct sight of the door, even with the lights off it was extremely visible._

_You pushed me against the lockers and rested your forearm against my neck, pushing harshly to where I couldn't breathe. I wished and wished that you would just kill me then and there. It would be easier for everybody in the long run, to be honest. I wouldn't have blamed you then._

_But now. Now I blame you for a lot of things._

_"You better not say anything to anybody or I'll rip your throat out," you actually grunted._

_"I won't. I won't," I pleaded._

_"Good. You keep your mouth shut or I'll hunt you down and tell everybody you were jerking off to us the whole time," he sneered._

_Even then, you were so rude and so violent. A kind, "Can you not tell anybody?" would've sufficed, but you decided to go the violent route to where I almost wanted to run off and tell everybody what I saw. Fuck, I almost did. Almost._

_A few months later, with a better grade in art, and a rising expectation of keeping my mouth shut, you decided to include me in your fucked up world. I remember the day I got called into the principal's office, scared out of my wits that I had actually done something bad. You were already in there, a pissed off look on your face and a dark glare in your eyes. I sat quietly next to you and watched as our principal sighed audibly at the whole situation. Mrs. Kim was standing frightened behind him, a tiny bit of a hickey peeping out from her shirt collar._

_"Youngjae, is Jiyong a friend of yours?" Principal Jung asked._

Principal Jung. My father. The strict ruler of our high school. His attitude towards the students was a complete change from how he treated my siblings and I. I remember everybody asking me what it was like having such a strict ass dad, but I always told them he was really fun at home. I didn't know what to make of the whole situation, until Youngjae had actually talked to me about it. He had said that the only time he was ever in my dad's office was when he had to cover for a friend's fuck up. My dad saw right through the lie apparently, but for the sake of Youngjae getting the crap beat out of him from this so called friend, pretended to believe him. I never knew it was about Jiyong. Youngjae remembered the kind gesture and it changed his view of my dad from then on out. I sighed as I waited for the bus to pick me up. The cold air bit at my skin even more than before. The sun's last rays disappeared behind the horizon and a few stars decided to come out to say hello. As Youngjae's voice rolled on, I held back tears, just waiting for the pain of his to stop. It was overflowing from the tapes now. Every word was a tiny slice into my skin. He was bleeding me out slowly and I was gladly letting him, wanting to take the pain he felt away from him in hopes of bringing him back. 

_"Y-yes," I replied, my eyes watching his every move. He watched me for a second and looked back at you._

_"Was he with you earlier this morning? Say, around 9 am?" he asked, this time studying my face with such an intensity I thought he was going to shoot lasers out of his eyes._

_"Yes," I answered with more conviction._

_A shot of disbelief covered his face before he sighed again, this time pinching the bridge of his nose, "Fine. Jiyong, I don't know what's going on between you and Mrs. Kim, but if anything else seems fishy, I'm calling the police into this. Meanwhile, I'm transferring you out of her class as a precaution."_

_"Like I care," you finally spoke up. "I already told you. I wouldn't sleep with an old bag."_

_"Respect your elders," Principal Jung scolded. "Get out of my office."_

_You fled, quickly I might add. Your eyes looked red from tears and a flash of gratitude spread across your face as you laid your eyes on me before rushing out the door. The principal looked from the door to me, "Do you know my son, Youngjae?"_

I froze. This was about me. Why was I being mentioned on Jiyong's tape? I took a shaky breath in as the bus pulled up a moment later. I climbed up the steps as I listened intently.

_I swallowed as I stood up as well, "Daehyun, sir?"_

_"Yes," he gave me a warm smile, "Try hanging out with people like him. He's a good kid. Doesn't cause trouble. Funny too. Might be more your scene."_

_Should've listened to your dad's advice, Daehyun. Maybe a lot of things would've been different if I had introduced myself our freshman year._

_Back to Jiyong._

I paused the tape, the tears falling as I slammed into a seat onto the bus. Did this mean I wasn't as guilty as the rest of them? No harsh words towards me. No "see you soon to see why you fucked up". Nothing to test what was to come. I wanted to throw myself into traffic and join Youngjae just so I could hold him in whatever afterlife there was. I wish I could've seen him one more time, but my last memory would be the last time I would ever see him. His smile-gone. His laugh-gone. His beautiful eyes and how he would flutter his eyelashes when he woke up in the morning-gone. What were Youngjae and I? Close friends? Hinting on more? Only friends for eternity? How did he view me? I would only have to listen to find out, no matter how hard it was. I didn't want to skip ahead and miss out on Youngjae's story. He worked so hard on something so tragic and I shouldn't ruin the integrity of it just for my own selfish needs. 

So I pressed play again as I rode the bus to the high school again.

_So, do you think about it at all Jiyong? How I saved your ass that day? No thanks, nothing at all from you? I mean, typical you of course, as I came to find out. After I left the office, I caught up with you, my anger rising each step I had to run. When I finally caught you shoving things into your backpack from your lockers, I started to yell._

_"What the fuck was that?" my words were garbled in my throat, as if I was still afraid to talk to you._

_"The principal came to talk to her this morning and thought he saw us kissing. I told him I was with you. He didn't believe we were friends but I said I was tutoring you in art," your voice was calm and solid, like none of this was bothering you._

_"She could've gotten fired and arrested," I argued, "You're being irresponsible."_

_"You don't know me," you scoffed, "Shut the fuck up and leave me alone."_

_I watched as you slammed your locker and stalk off down the hall without another word. That was the last of it for a while. In fact, I thought you had listened to me and quit your relationship with her, because it didn't even seem like you two were around each other at all. Your art stopped for a bit, and you seemed to sulk around the school. But then it started up again and you were painting murals in the school and fucking Mrs. Kim in the small window of time when school ended and when the janitor came by to clean. How do I know this? You came to me and asked me to be look out. Seriously? Look out for your fuck sessions? I declined, but then you pressed me, saying you would make my life a living hell. Funny for you, it already was._

_So I agreed. I don't know why really. I just agreed to do what you said and followed you without a word as you went in, fucked Mrs. Kim for forty-five minutes, and then made my way home in a shameful, disgusted sulk._

I wanted to vomit. I needed to get off. I needed to breathe. Jiyong was disgusting filth, just as I had suspected for years, and there was the fucking proof. If I knew where he was, I would go find him and kick the shit out of him. Himchan's words rang in my ear. Youngjae wouldn't want me doing that. He would tell me that it was his fight in the end and that I shouldn't waste my anger on something that didn't have to do with me. But every time I pressed play, I would take it all personally. I took a deep breath and looked up. Lucky for me, it was my stop. I waited for the bus to fully brake before I pushed open the back door and rushed out to take in a full, clean breath. I clicked play again and began to make my way to the gas station.

I didn't drive, so I hadn't been there in forever. It was the common hangout for most high school kids after school. Snacks were cheap and fattening; smokes were easily bought for minors. The moon started to pave the way, lightening up the dark world of the night. The gas station looked like a lone lit candle in the distance as Youngjae's voice started to ring in my ears again.

_I did that for you until you graduated. Thank god you did, because I almost told somebody near the end. It was getting unbearable having to lie about why I was waiting outside the classroom. "Oh I'm here to talk to Mrs. Kim about an assignment." "Oh I'm here for tutoring. Another student is in there now. I wouldn't bother them now." Bullshit excuses._

_About a year or two later-I think I was a junior actually-you found me outside of the gas station with a few of my friends and told me to follow you. You were fuming, your eyes gazing over the other high school kids that gathered there. When we walked around the corner of the building and were finally out of ear shot, you pushed me against the wall and punched me._

_"How could you?" you cried out. I scrambled back up onto my fight and stared incredulously. "You told about us. Her husband just came to my apartment and pulled her out by her hair."_

_"I didn't say anything," I said in a rushed whisper._

_"Bull shit. You were the only one that knew," you spat at me, throwing another punch. This time, blood started to drip from my nose. "She was about to leave him. It's been long enough that she wouldn't be investigated, and you ruined it."_

_"Can't she still leave him?" I flinched as you rushed forward to hit me again. You froze and started laughing. I couldn't breathe and felt the blood rushing now._

_"Not unless I'm okay with him going to the police about it. She can still get in trouble," you laughed even harder, "And you did this. I'm going to kill you."_

_I waited for another hit, but when I looked back up at you, your eyes were wide on me, "You really didn't tell anybody?"_

_"I promise."_

_"Bullshit."_

_I was in the hospital for a week after that. Nobody believed that somebody mugged me when a bunch of people saw you and I walking away together. Even if they did find if it was you or not, I wouldn't have pressed charges. I would rather you live with what you did to me. You probably didn't regret any of it, but here's the truth._

_I told Jaebum. When we would meet in the library, I told him about how you forced me to guard for you my freshman year. He thought it was disgusting too, and he took it upon himself to tell her husband. So I did tell somebody, but I didn't ruin it for you per say. Jaebum did._

I stood in front of the gas station and imagined seeing Jiyong beat the shit out of Youngjae. My heart sunk as I walked to the corner I assumed they rounded. There was still dried blood on the ground. When I looked up, there was the colors that Jiyong so famously knew.

Now that I looked at them, they did seem unmotivated and without passion. Just smears on top of other smears. In the corner of the mural by the dried blood was a sprout of red painted smears, as if he tried to make it seem like it was red paint. Even after all that time, he was haunted by Youngjae still.

_Jiyong, I have nothing left for you. Other than who to send these to next._

_Send them right back to 1600 North Brighton Lane Apartment 16 in Wayward. Kim Himchan would love to hear how he messed up my life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! Please, leave comments, kudos, and bookmark it so I know you guys like it! Getting feedback really motivates me to write!


	6. Tape 3 Side A: Himchan

I swallowed, the thick bile in my stomach rising constantly. Youngjae's voice was so angry and malicious, causing chills to go up my spine. The hardest thing about all of this wasn't the fact that Youngjae was gone; it was hearing each and every reason that made him so full of self-hate and anger. I looked at the blood stain one last time as I turned to head back to the bus stop. I couldn't stay there anymore. The longer I looked, the angrier I got. It did get much worse and I was expecting even more as I flipped the tape. There was a silence and a shifting of things in the background as I started the tape. Thegrier I got. It did getn there was a loud crash and a few laughs in the background. 

**_"How have you been Youngjae?"_ **

_"Not good."_

_**"What's been going on?"**  
_

_"Not eating, not seeing straight. Can't sleep."_

**_"Normal."_ **

The voice other than Youngjae's was one I knew all too well. Himchan. I couldn't tell where they were but it felt like it was a restaurant by the clattering and the talking. The last time that Himchan was in town prior to Youngjae's suicide was four months before it. That means that Youngjae had been planning this for at least that long. I breathed in as they kept talking.

_"Normal? It doesn't feel normal."_

_**"Look. When I first started, I was exhausted constantly. Still get that way. Part of the whole nutrients not being absorbed. But at least your baby cheeks are gone. You look thin."** _

_"I don't want to be thin. I want to be happy."_

_**"Isn't thin happy though?"** _

There was a silence again and then the clattering stopped. I froze at the bus stop and waited for Youngjae to say something, anything. It was a solid minute before you could hear his deep breathing. He was crying again and this time it was more to himself.

_I was sixteen when Himchan taught me how to make myself thin. In a world full of beautiful, thin guys with chiseled jaws and strong chests, it was hard standing out when you were just a baby faced flab._

_I met Himchan at school in my history class my freshman. He sat next to me and tried to get me to play into his loud antics as he conned his way out of most every test and homework assignment. It wasn't because Himchan was dumb or anything; he was just good at getting out of work he didn't want to do. Why should you do it if you already knew it? Since then, he's pulled me under his wing and taught me "The Himchan Way" of doing things. I followed blindly until he made me a solid friend our junior year. Then he taught me the greatest lesson of all._

_How to be bulimic._

_I wanted to be pretty. Pretty enough for.... some people I admired. Pretty enough to get their attention and make them want me without me having to talk to them and make them get to know me just to like me._

_It all started when Himchan and I were out with a group of friends at the diner across from my brother's auto shop. Head there now. It's got great fries and milkshakes that I'm paying for in advance. Seriously. Have one on me._

I spotted the bus pull around the corner in the distance. I'm sure the bus driver might've caught on to the fact of what we were doing at that point. I'm sure he's seen at least five other people do this same journey, but regardless, I could feel my blood boil in the fact that Himchan was a reason. As I sat in a seat, I breathed in as I looked at my map one more time. Pausing the tape, it was a cool few minutes before I would arrive there. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the few messages I had. One of them was from Choi Youngjae asking how I was doing so far. I replied quickly and turned my phone off again. There was a silence throughout the entire bus. The door would squeak open at each stop and I felt myself breathe in every time in an attempt at normalcy. Just pretend like  I'm meeting somebody there for a quick bite to eat.

The diner that Youngjae was talking about wasn't one I frequented often. I wasn't a fan of eating out and I never really had the money to do so now either. I probably wouldn't eat anything while I was there either, even if Youngjae left money to pay for all of us to get a milkshake. Once the bus stopped in front of the diner, I silently walked off with a frown. There was a chill in the air that wasn't there before and I had a feeling it was like an omen. 

Once I got inside and settled down at a booth with an unopened menu, I pressed play, waiting for his voice to come back.

_So if you're there now, just get ready to hear about the first time Himchan ever taught me the importance of looking beautiful. Because wowee, it's a tale._

_It all started back in junior year of high school. It was a normal day for everybody else, but for me, I was having one of my famous meltdowns. You heard all about them from Yongguk's tape. Himchan was usually there for me, a big smile on his face as he listened to my problems and helped me through them. Today though-today was different. I cried to him over a shared plate of untouched fries about how I felt like I was ugly and fat. He had a firm frown on his face as he watched me lose it in that diner. If you look around, you're probably in the third booth from the left side of the door, right? I told the waitresses that I would leave enough money in there for a sizable tip if they sat you there. That's where I was crying to him that day. That's the same booth we would meet and talk about this.... means to an end._

He was right. Almost eerily right as I looked up and noticed that I always saw Himchan and Youngjae here in high school. Memories flooded back as I remembered the first time I had ever laid eyes on Youngjae. It was where our story began, and where I realized that this beautiful person would ruin my life eventually.

_**"Daehyun!" a friend of mine called me over as I entered the diner. It was the night of the big performance and we had just finished in front of a sold out audience. There was a silent breath of relief from each of us as we all sat next to each other in the diner before we started talking all at once at how well it went. The musical we had spent months practicing and rehearsing for was finally over and everything went perfectly.** _

_**I was enjoying my own food when I looked up to see Himchan at the very table I was sitting at right now. I nudged the guy next to me-a short sophomore who helped with the choreography of the musical-and turned to him, "Jongup, who is Himchan sitting with?"** _

_**Jongup turned his head and smirked, "Yoo Youngjae. Junior. They've been friends for a while."** _

_**"How have I never seen him before?" I scrunched my eyebrows and leaned forward on my hands.** _

_**"Aww, hyung, do you have a crush?" Jongup teased quietly as he poked me in the side. I squirmed, almost nonsensically, and rolled my eyes.** _

_**"No," I huffed, "Just curious. That's all."** _

_**"Sure," Jongup laughed at me and went back to eating his fries. I stared at the two talk in hushed voices, glancing over at our table if we got too loud or rambunctious. I kept my eye on the smaller of the two. Himchan was almost describing something in detail as Youngjae would listen intently, taking mental notes of everything he said.** _

_**"He's on the debate team. Really smart. Almost as smart as Jaebum and Choi Youngjae. I think he's in the smarter classes. That's probably why you've never seen him before." Jongup reached over me to get to the salt. "He's really only friends with Himchan and somehow Jiyong. Well, I doubt Jiyong and him were actually friends, just weird acquaintances."** _

_**"Huh," I hummed.** _

_**"You want to go over there?" Jongup asked softly, "I could introduce you two. He's in my art class. Really good actually."** _

_**"Wha- No, I'm good," I swallowed thickly and turned back to my milkshake, slurping up the last remnants of it without thinking. I turned my attention to the others at our table and ignored Jongup's persistent poking to get my attention again. I was still nervous about my sexuality back then, almost denying it at points to feel a sense of what I believed was normalcy. All my friends were straight, why wasn't I? I didn't know I was normal was well.** _

_**At one point, Youngjae got up and left quickly. Himchan breathed out a sigh of relief and handed the waitress by the register a couple of bills before heading over to our table.** _

_**"Hey you guys," Himchan smiled softly. The lot of us greeted him with loud yells and laughs. He pulled a chair up and asked Jongup to move over. He sat next to me with a grin and turned to talk to me. "Daehyun, are you gay?"** _

_**It was asked quietly so nobody else would really hear him, but I still turned red in the face, "Huh?"** _

_**"Never mind. Kind of insensitive to ask, right? Let's move on," he snagged one of Jongup's fries when he wasn't looking, "What are your plans for this summer? I feel like we should hang out more."** _

Had I missed something there that could've saved Youngjae's life? I wanted to go back to that moment and let Jongup introduce us so that I could be more of a friend to Youngjae. Maybe I could've shielded him from all of this. Maybe I could've helped.

In the end though, I'm another reason though. Another reason to why he took his life so there's really nothing I could've done.

_On this particular day, it was the night of the last performance of our high school's musical production that year. I remember everybody filing in and sitting down before loudly cheering at the fact that they were done. That's when I started crying. I focused on telling Himchan how ugly and fat I was._

_"You think you're fat?" Himchan finally spoke. I nodded as I wiped more tears off my chubby face, "There's a way to fix this."_

_"I've tried exercising, Channie. Doesn't work for me. I just stay the same form," I sniffled._

_"No," he shook his head. "I know a way to get rid of the fat while also looking like you are naturally skinny."_

_"What?" I folded my eyebrows together and leaned forward._

_"Youngjae, I'm bulimic. Have been since I was 14," Himchan leaned forward as well and we were close together as he lowered his voice to tell me about all of this, "I started pigging out and throwing it up just to feel like the food wasn't sticking to me. Then I just started throwing up after every meal. I throw up after I ate something healthy too, because in my mind, everything is fattening. It's easy. Just shove your fingers down your throat, imagine something disgusting, and it comes pouring out."_

_"What do you imagine?" I asked, my own ideas popping into my mind._

_"Myself naked, somebody touching my fat and laughing, dead puppies," he shrugged as he looked over at the loud group. "Any reason for this most recent development of self hatred?"_

_"Um," I looked with him and saw-_

"Know what you want sweetie?" my waitress walked up, "If I'm right, you're with Youngjae."

I paused the tape and looked over the menu, "Not really hungry."

"Daehyun?" she asked wearily. "Youngjae said you would say that. Kind of creepy."

"Huh? Oh," I couldn't feel myself breathing as she grabbed my untouched menu.

"Also said to bring you something because you would eat it anyways. Said you probably needed to eat," she smirked, "Sweet kid. Sad to see him go."

"What?" I breathed in sharply.

"I'll bring you what he already ordered you, okay?" she stared sympathetically at me, "I'm sorry for your loss kid."

I watched her walk off and into the back room of the diner. As soon as she was out of sight, I broke down. Tears started falling quickly as I realized that even in death, Youngjae was still looking after me. Even after I gave him a reason to die, he still made sure I was eating. Why couldn't I have told him how I felt? Maybe now, he would be in my arms and we would be having a date night here instead. I would listen to all of his insecurities and all the fucked up things people did to him, and I would help him get through them and heal from them. But instead, here we were. Youngjae was gone and I was a wreck.

_-the entire group. I swallowed and looked back at Himchan._

_"Oh," he read my facial expression and nodded softly. "I understand."_

_"Please don't say anything to anybody," I breathed in, waiting for more tears to fall._

_"I won't, but don't tell anybody what I told you," Himchan shook his head. "It's the only way I feel good."_

_I won't say anything, Himchan. At least, not out loud to people. Just to this tape. But this tape didn't make you any promises._

_I went home that night and forced myself to throw up my days intake. I also started a diary that counted all of my calories and when I ate and threw it up. I had it down to a science-even when I started to lose weight and felt shitty._

_I would go weeks without eating properly or even drank anything but water. My skin was glowing and started to look thinner. I felt thinner, lighter. It was working._

_That's until somebody found out._

_That will be on the next tape, but I wanted to credit it to you Himchan. You taught me the most unhealthy way to make myself happy. I suffered years of psychological trauma from this and ultimately, the fact that I was never at my ideal weight or look, took a toll on my psyche and self confidence. It's thanks to you that I fully hate myself now. I hope deep down you feel the same Himchan._

_Maybe you got over it and are healthy now. Great. I hope you feel the toll of this now. It's a shitty feeling hating yourself so much you want to get rid of any nutrients that seem to be healthy._

_The beginning of this tape is me visiting you at this very diner about three weeks before you went back to college again. This was two months ago._

This was two months before he killed himself.

_I want to reiterate the fact that I wish you feel as bad as I do constantly. Fuck you Himchan. Fuck you for my weak stability and mental state. Fuck you for giving more fuel to the fire that is my never ending self hate. Fuck you for being reason five on this shitty ass list on people who fucked me over and gave me no hope in the world. I hope you go fuck yourself to the sound of you throwing up to make yourself look thinner. Never worked._

Sorry.

_Not for what I said, but for the harshness of it. I don't wish this on other people, even if I should, but I can't imagine being in a world where I'm a reason that somebody else killed their self just to get away from the shitty predicament that I put them in. I just want you all to get the full realm of that._

_Himchan, send this to my dear sister Yeji. You know my address. Good luck sis._

I sat in the silence of the tape as I waited for any other words to be said. When it finally ended with a click, I slid off the headphones in defeat. I called Himchan my friend. I actually thought he was a good, funny person. I didn't blame Youngjae for his anger, not in the slightest. Not even for the harshness in his voice deterred me for rooting him on for telling the scumbag off. I sat and stewed before the waitress came back with a bacon cheese burger and a plate of cheese fries.

"Eat honey," she sighed as she glanced at my paled face.

"I can't," I looked at the food. Youngjae had even ordered my favorite. 

"Look," she sighed softly, "I lost my best friend in a car crash when I was fourteen. Worst time in my life. It took me twenty years to realize that I wasn't going to get away with grieving her every day. Just get over yourself and get out there again."

"What if it's my fault he's gone?" I asked in quiet voice.

She hummed sympathetically, "This kid was here all the time. There were times he was crying, there were times he was laughing. He lived a life full of sadness and who really knows why he went out the way he did."

I did technically.

"You can't sit here and blame yourself when he cared enough about you to make sure you ate even after he was gone. You were probably the only reason he stayed around as long as he did. I can't see what you could've done to make him do this," she patted my shoulder, "Just go a bit easier on yourself."

I couldn't say anything else so instead I nodded. She took a deep breath and left me to my food. I ate slowly, my throat clamping sharply every time I swallowed. 

By the time all my food was gone, I had just about enough. I picked up my phone and called Himchan.

"I knew you would call," he answered quickly, "You can be just as rude."

"No," I swallowed tears. I needed to be strong for Youngjae, "That wasn't rude. That was justified."

"I-" Himchan started again.

"I don't  _want_ to believe that you could be that mean and cruel, but look at the facts," I laughed sarcastically, "Did you not know how fragile he was?"

"He hid it very well. Don't tell me that you knew," Himchan was angry.

"I'm not the one that told him to be bulimic," I shoved my plate away from me and pulled out a ten dollar bill to set on the table. 

"Don't," he was crying now. Angry sobs were leaving his mouth as he forced out his words, "Don't make me feel even more guilty. I've been stewing in this since I got these fucking tapes and now I'm left to deal with this all by myself."

"That's not my fault," I hung up and left the diner in a rush, barely getting my backpack on as I ran out the door. I couldn't wait to see who else fucked up Youngjae's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry it's been awhile, but I've been working at a new job with weird long hours so I only have a short amount of time each week to write. Time away has really left me some room to think about this and I've got some good ideas going forward. That being said, please kudos, bookmark, comment, and come yell at me at ultjunhongs on tumblr :) I'm also @YGANTlS on twitter :)


	7. Tape 3 Side B: Yeji

I know that Himchan probably had somewhere for us to go, but I already had an idea of where I wanted to be next. I needed warmth. I needed security. Youngjae didn't have any of that. So instead of heading home and crawling underneath my covers to listen to these tapes, I made my way from the diner to the park. I needed to be somewhere I could focus on Youngjae's story without any distractions. The bus driver gave me a warm smile as I climbed on, his dark eyes watching at me slightly as I made my way to the back of the bus. Himchan had been texting me but I deleted the messages without even looking at them. His excuses and his pain were his own now. Nothing he say to me would change the fact that he did what he did. Youngjae was gone, and in my eyes at the moment, one of the biggest reasons was because of Himchan.

God, he disgusted me.

As soon as the bus stopped and I stepped off the bus, I loaded up the next tape. I had only met Yeji once in high school when I was walking with Youngjae down the hall after school got out.  

_**"Oh god here comes my sister," Youngjae had groaned as he closed his locker. I grabbed my bag from the ground and slung it around my shoulders.** _

_**"Do you not like her?" I asked. We had only been friends for a couple of weeks, still feeling each other out and figuring out each other's lives.** _

_**"We aren't particularly close," he shrugged as she bounded up. She was shorter, with a cropped dark hair style. Her bright smile shone as she batted her eyes at Youngjae. "What?"** _

_**"Mom told me to tell you we have a family meeting later. You left this morning before she got up," she sighed. "Again."** _

_**"I can't wait just for her to get up. I've told her this," Youngjae grumbled. I felt out of place between the icy stares of the two. "What's the meeting about?"** _

_**"You," she frowned. "You know what."** _

_**"Oh," he shifted awkwardly before looking towards me, "Might have to cut our plans short then."** _

_**"It's fine," I shook my head as he frowned, "We can reschedule. Test isn't until next week anyways."** _

_**"Do you want to meet tomorrow at the library?" he asked, shifting his bag on his shoulder. I nodded and he looked back towards his sister. She looked annoyed and impatient as he ushered her off. He waved at me goodbye and they both disappeared into the hall.** _

I never saw or heard him mention his sister again. I didn't want to ask about the meeting the next day, or why his family sounded so formal with each other. It wasn't any of my business at the time, but maybe if I had asked about it, he would've opened up to me eventually. I should've asked more about him and how he felt. Why didn't I? Why couldn't I help him?

Once I sat back in the swing I was in earlier, I pressed play, waiting for his voice to flood my ears again. There was a silence and then a slight yell was heard in the background. It sounded like two women yelling at each other. Finally, Youngjae started chuckling, deep and malevolent. I waited for him to finish and waited for his voice. I needed his voice right now.

_That's Mom and Yeji-you, technically-fighting right now. Yeji got caught out partying and drinking last night. I'm staying the night while my landlord fixes my air conditioning. Right before I went to bed, somebody at the door knocked and when I answered it, all I did was start laughing. My dear sister was standing there, obviously drunk, hair messed up, and in the worst possible outfit ever with a police officer gripping her arm tightly. I called out to my mom, still laughing as I leaned against the door frame._

_"Hey sis," I grinned. This was the first time I had laughed without, um, well, that's another story._

_"Shut up," she slurred._

_"Got yourself a little drunk there? Mom and Dad are going to be pissed," I felt the giddiness in my voice come out. The officer suppressed a grin as he tightened the hold on her arm._

_"Miss Yoo here was out partying and drinking underage sir. This is not a laughing matter," he scolded me._

_"Well Officer Chae," I read the name tag on his uniform, "Wait. Chae Hyungwon?"_

_The officer looked at me fully and recognition flooded his face, "Youngjae, this is your sister?"_

Hyungwon was a senior when we were sophomores at school. I knew he had gone on to the police academy after school ended for him, but I wasn't sure what he was up to now.

_"Yeah. This fucked up nut case is under my family," I smirked._

_"What are you doing nowadays?" he asked, loosening the grip on her._

_"College. Nothing really. Never really did anything," I smirked more to myself than to him. "What about you? Daehyun told me you went into the police academy."_

_"Yeah, first year on the job. Still pretty nervous. May I come in?" he asked. I nodded and he dragged my sister with him. I took him from his care as I laid her down on the couch. She was a total mess. "How is Daehyun?"_

_"Good. Good. Still doing the college thing as well," I chuckled. Hey Daehyun, did you know that people would ask me about you? That's how close we got. Isn't that weird to think about? Well anyways, this tape isn't about you. It's about Yeji and the best part hasn't even happened yet. Well get back to you soon._

My heart sped up a bit at the thought of him talking to me right now.

_"Well that's good. Tell him I said hello," he smiled warmly at me._

_"I will," I looked up at the stairs and saw my mom coming down them with a worried look on her face._

_"What's going on here?" Mom asked. Hyungwon looked from me to our mom, his eyes full of worry._

_"Your daughter was found at a college party where she was underage drinking and participating in the use of illegal drugs," Hyungwon turned into Officer Chae with a frown._

_"She get busted with pot too?" I laughed even harder._

_"Youngjae, this isn't a laughing matter," he swallowed thickly._

_"Well, when your goody two shoes sister fucks up, then you can tell me not to laugh. This is golden," I told him as my mom smacked the back of my head. I rubbed it slightly and leaned against the arm rest of the couch._

_"Still not as fucked up as you," she slurred, burrowing her face into the couch. Ouch, sis._

_"Yeji," she scolded before turning back to Hyungwon,"I'm so sorry about my daughter. She's not usually like this."_

_"It's her first offence and she was at a large party. We're not going to press any charges tonight, but consider this a warning for her. If her name pops up again, I can't guarantee she won't get charged," Hyungwon rested his hands on his waist._

_"Thank you so much," my mom leaned down next to Yeji to push hair out of her face._

_"I should be getting back now. A lot of paperwork to do," Hyungwon watched awkwardly._

_"I'll walk you to the door," I jumped from my spot and started walking towards the door. Hyungwon followed and I turned back towards him, "Thanks for not charging my sister."_

_"It's less paperwork for me," he waved me off, "But I'm serious if she gets caught again-"_

_"She will," I nodded, "But it doesn't matter to me."_

_Not because I don't care about you sis, I do on some level, but because I'll probably be dead before you do._

_So after Hyungwon left, I went straight to my room. I didn't want to help with a drunken mess of a sister or an angry mom, so I just went to sleep. That's where we are now though. They're awake and fighting and all of this reminds me of when my dear sister outed my bulimia to my family. I trusted you back then Yeji, and you betrayed me. Deeply. It's almost like you wanted to make me feel pain back then. Not only did you tell our parents about it but you told all of your friends and **laughed** about it. Who does that?_

_So let's go back to when Yeji really fucked up my life._

_If you're looking at your maps, you can head to the shitty excuse for a park right now._

Of fucking course. It's like I can read your mind in death Youngjae. I laughed bitterly as I continued to listen.

_I was on my way home from school one day back in my senior year and you were waiting for me in that park. Well, more or less you were waiting with Jongup in the park. You two were making out feverently and his arms were gripping your ass tightly as I almost gagged at the sight of it. I mean, Jongup is attractive, but Yeji, you looked like a hot mess pressing against him sloppily. If Mom and Dad saw your idiotic behavior back then, then the party wouldn't have been a problem to them. Just another thing in a list of fucked up things you do to hide from them._

_"Gross," I yelled at the two of you._

Jongup and Yeji? I never saw them or really heard about them, but Yeji was so far off my radar and my group of friends that it would've made sense I never heard about the two of them. Jongup and I were really just friends in high school through theater and we didn't get closer until college. I never would've thought about any of this. He would've been a junior then.

_You pulled away from him and told him to stay put as you ran up to me, "Youngjae wait."_

_I slowed and turned to you as you met up with me, "What do you want?"_

_"I just want to say I saw you last night. After dinner. In the bathroom. The door wasn't closed all the way," you looked worried. I know now that you were faking it._

_"Oh," my heart sank at the time._

_"Yeah, I just want you to know that I'm here for you."_

_What lies._

_You told Mom and Dad that day after I begged you not to._

_You told your friends. Did you know one of them would make puking noises behind me in class? They would compliment how skinny I was and then asked how much I threw up while stifling laughs. At lunch, when I walked by your table, baby sister, they would laugh and make those same puking noises. You would just laugh, like it was normal for your "friends" to make fun of me._

_You're my fucking little sister but there was never an ounce of care in your body for me. How selfish of me though. You were merely in high school. You wouldn't have the brain capacity to understand what was going on then._

_But when you told Mom and Dad and dragged me home to that family meeting that day, away from a study date-_

I paused it right away. Study date. With me. Not just studying with a friend or anything. Study date.

Maybe I was reading too much into it, but the thought of him considering it as a study date back then made my stomach flip.

_-that I was pretty damn excited about it, that was the last straw._

_"Therapy?" I had repeated after them. Yongguk and you were smirking to each other off to the side. You two finally had proof that I was the crazy one, didn't you?_

_"Dr. Kwon is the best in town and-" Dad started, a strict nature to his voice._

_"You mean the only one in town," I huffed._

_"-and you will go. No questions. Your first session is tomorrow after school," he raised his voice._

_"No, not tomorrow," I shot my head up to look at him. I would have to cancel that study date again. I really didn't want to._

He told me he had more family emergencies and we never really rescheduled. Was Youngjae...? No. He couldn't have been. We barely knew each other then, and besides, he never made a move on me or really ever flirted with me.

To be fair, neither did I. He could've been excited to make a new friend. With how fucked up his life really was, it wouldn't have surprised me to see that he needed somebody new who hadn't hurt him yet.

_"Deal with it Youngjae. You're going. We can't have people finding out about this," my father frowned._

_"Then why do all of Yeji's friends know and make fun of me?" my head snapped up._

_"I don't know what you're talking about," Yeji blinked innocently._

_"Jinhee sits behind me in Biology and she makes gagging noises and asks how I got so thin," I started blabbering, "And Minji and Hyemi do the same thing in the lunchroom when I walk by. They did it yesterday right in front of you."_

_"Yeji, tell your friends to keep quiet. You shouldn't of told them anyways," Mom scolded._

_"Sorry I blabbed about the freak of the family," you muttered._

_Freak. I'm the freak of the family? Sure. Maybe. But at least I don't have to bring others down to make myself feel normal or sane. I could be a lying, backstabbing, manipulative bitch like yourself._

_You and Mom stopped fighting about twenty minutes ago. Now I hear crying. She's probably forgiving you and asking you to never do it again. Which is hilarious, because, you're going to. You're always going to do what you want. You'll never listen to anybody else as long as you live. That's how stubborn you are. It's funny how such a little thing like you can make people hate themselves as much as possible. Like how you called Moonbyul horse face for a year and she ended up getting plastic surgery because of you. Or how you told everybody that Jongup had a small dick after he dumped you when he found out what you did to me and he had to move away because of how much people made fun of him? Good thing he got over it and came back to college. We'll talk about you later Jongup._

_It's so funny how you ruin people's lives Yeji. Such an evil person can't really be that tiny._

_Maybe my death will-wait.. sorry...my suicide, yeah. Hopefully me killing myself over your torment (among other reasons of course), will wake you up just a little enough that you won't see how much you ACTUALLY hurt people. Fuck you Yeji. Fuck you and your evil fucking brain._

The tape went silent for a moment and you could hear Youngjae's mom screaming again in the background. After just a moment, the screaming got closer and it was practically in the room that Youngjae was, slightly muffled by what I guessed was a door.

**_"Yeji, you have to understand that I'm worried. I can't have you partying like this. Not after Youngjae's mistakes."_ **

With that Youngjae could be heard sobbing softly to himself.

**_"I'm not a freak like him Mom. He would be better off dead."_ **

_Soon, Yeji. I will be soon._

_**"Don't say that about your brother. Not after last time. Dr. Kwon has been helping him."** _

  _Dr. Kwon hasn't been doing shit Mom. I haven't been going to him in the last three years. Speaking of which. Let's go there now. I have an appointment since I'm thinking I might not want to die yet. I have one reason I want to stay around. You all will find out about that if you listen all the way through the tapes. It just depends on if this is enough. So take out your maps and let's go._

I paused the tape and found myself heading towards the bus stop. The quietness of the park was hidden by the bustle of the road next to me, but as soon as the bus pulled up, I realized something else. 

The world seemed emptier without Youngjae. The sounds around me were foreign now. They no longer had the life they used to hold and the colors around me seemed muted. I wanted nothing more to do with this stupid ass city. Maybe a change of scenery and away from everybody here would be good. It was already hard to focus on my studies with the thought of Youngjae being gone, now I didn't want to focus on life. After these tapes, and after all of this is done, maybe I could leave. Grieve fully. Move on. I need to face this head on, without any regrets in my life. Youngjae used to always say that everything happened for a reason and fate would lead us in the right direction.

Maybe that is my direction. Away.

_My first therapy session with Dr. Kwon was a quiet one. We started off with a little bit of the basics. Like what's wrong with me. Why do I think I do that? His first reaction of me and the list of problems I might have._

_I told him that multiple people have betrayed my trust and have hurt me. He told me to write out a list of all those who have hurt me and what they did. If I wrote letters to them that I don't intend on sending, what would I say? That's the beginning of these tapes. Back then I wrote page after page of angry, vindictive letters to everybody I have already mentioned and as therapy went on and we studied each letter I wrote, I wrote more for those who had hurt me while I was in therapy._

_Maybe if I had actually listened to what Dr. Kwon was telling me about back then, I would be in a better place now. But when I got to my sister-yeah that's right we're moving back to you Yeji-I lost all respect for him._

_"So you blame your sister for a lot of issues in your life?" he asked after reading my letter to her. IF you want Yeji, that letter is in a shoebox at the top of my closet. It's a lot meaner than this tape. A lot more cussing as well._

_"Not a lot of issues. Just the most recent ones," I scoffed._

_"You shouldn't blame her though. She might've told her friends out of concern and asked them what she should do. They're the ones who made fun of you. Have they made fun of you since your mom told her to them to stop?" he asked._

_"No," I frowned. I didn't like where he was going with this at the time._

_"And telling your parents isn't a bad thing. That's what brought you here, isn't it?" Dr. Kwon folded the letter back up and handed it to me. "Sounds like you have the issue with your parents forcing you to come to therapy. You do need help Youngjae. You can't let yourself go blaming others for the problems in your own head. The first step to fixing a problem with oneself is to accept they have the problem at all."_

_"I accept I have issues. I know I do. My problem is that she promised to be there for me. She never did let me open up to her. Before she told her friends, I would go to her and try to talk to her. She would say that it was gross thing to do and that if I didn't stop, I was going to be just skin and bones and nobody would want me. How is that being there for me?" my voice started to rise. "Furthermore, I'm not blaming others for my problems. I've been hurt a lot and yes, my problems stem from there, but it's the fact that these people have no problem with hurting me. They would rather hurt me, than be honest, helpful, or even just fucking decent for once."_

_"Youngjae please calm down," Dr. Kwon sighed._

_"You want to sit here and say that I need to accept my problems? I'm gay. I'm fat. I'm ugly. My self confidence is in the gutters. I'm in love with somebody I can never be with because who the fuck knows if he's gay. I throw up to make myself look thinner. I have been the guy on the side and probably will break two people apart. I have covered for somebody to sleep with a teacher, and I would rather be dead than let anybody else close to me. I have commitment issues. Also, I have panic attacks that cause me to be annoying and a hassle. Anything else Dr. Kwon?" I stood up, this time angrier than ever. "OR are you actually going to help with my issues instead of telling me I can't blame a couple of them on other people to help me feel better and not at all hopeless?"_

_I left in a hurry before he could answer and the remainder of the sessions I went to before I left for college were just me being silent and listening to Dr. Kwon read my angry letters before trying to get me to say anything. After I left for college I told my parents I would pay for him on my own and stopped going all together. I think they knew I wanted to stop, so they didn't put up a fight._

_Dear sis, I hope you understand this loud and clear._

_You're a fucked up human being. I hope your heart gets broken or your spirit gets shattered. I hope deep down that you'll never be a better person. You'll always have a death on your soul. Maybe more to be honest. You never know the full scope of what people will do because of a couple of words._

_I'm at Dr. Kwon's now. Maybe if I tell him I'm planning out my suicide very carefully, he'll take me seriously and help me._

_But in the meantime Yeji. Send these tapes to Choi Junhong. His address is 341 North Grand Drive. Right across the street from us._

I stood in front of Dr. Kwon's office, just a little after 10 p.m. He was at his car as soon as the bus pulled away and I crossed the street, hurrying to get to him.

"What did he say to you?" I asked, sliding the headphones off my ears.

"Excuse me," he looked up to me, confusion in his eyes. I had only seen him once at graduation for Jiyong. He was the same year as my brother and since they were close in last names, my parents and him sat near each other. My dad greeted him at the time and said that Jiyong was a fine man and that he should be proud of him and his artwork. That was before my dad went down to do his thing at the graduation. Dr. Kwon gave a big smile to my family, his eyes full of pride that his son was so respected. Little did he know my dad was bullshitting him.

"Youngjae. Did you try to stop him?" I swallowed.

"That's uh, that's client-doctor confidentiality. I can't breach that," he looked down at his feet, "You must be Daehyun. Your father is the principal?"

I nodded and swallowed, "Tell me you at least try to stop him."

"Of course," he hesitated before looking back at me, "He left in a better mood. That's all I can say. He seemed relieved to talk to me. I took it as he was changing his mind."

"But he didn't," I frowned. "And now he's gone."

"Do you need to talk?" Dr. Kwon studied my face for a moment.

I paused, "Can we?"

I led him to the curb by his car and sat down. He sat next to me, pulling out a pack of cigerattes, "Do you mind?"

"No go ahead," I frowned, "Sorry if I sound angry."

"It's okay. It's all a part of the grieving process," he lit his cigarette and frowned, "What was your relationship with Youngjae?"

"He was my best friend. I was also in love with him," I admitted. "Sometimes, I feel like I can hear his voice when I'm out in public. Like just woven into the conversations. Almost like he's out there somewhere, but when I turn to look, it's gone. He's gone."

"Part of denial. Your mind is trying to bring him back, so it fabricates it for you. Like a comfort, but in the end it just hurts more. Happened when my wife died. Thought she was everywhere. I would see her face in every female patient I had," he admitted to me.

"How did she die?" I sniffled, feeling my own tears building up.

"Like Youngjae," he inhaled a huge puff of his cigarette, letting the smoke billow out. "Jiyong took it the hardest. Acted out. Went crazy essientially. I didn't see the signs at first but when he hurt Youngjae back in high school, I had to put a stop to it."

"You know about that? Did you and Youngjae ever talk about it?" I asked.

"Once. I apologized for him when I read the letter to Jiyong. Sorry, I assume you know all of this. That's why you're here," he looked at the tape recorder. "He told me about the tapes he had been recording. Said they were the audio form of the letters. His voice would emmulate the anger he felt."

"I haven't gotten to mine yet," I swallowed.

"He talked about you quite a lot," Dr. Kwon stomped out his cigarette, "That's all I can really say."

"It's okay," I nodded. "I just miss him. Wish I could've told him how I felt. That I was there for him."

"I wish you could've too," he nodded. I looked over at Dr. Kwon and felt a sting in my heart.

"Sometimes, I feel like he's still alive too. There never was a funeral. His parents just told everybody that it was too gruesome. They held a memorial. I couldn't go. I couldn't accept that he was gone. I literally just kept living like he wasn't dead. Like he was just away. It doesn't feel like his soul has actually left this earth," I kept ranting, "Furthermore, nobody is saying how he did it. No details were released at all and I can't really think about anything else other than the fact that he was in pain when he went out. I don't want him to be in pain. Not anymore."

"He's not in pain anymore, Daehyun," Dr. Kwon assured me. "He's in a better place now. Even his soul. It's not hurting or angry wherever he is now."

And those were the most comfortable words I had heard in  _years._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my longest chapter yet! Thank you guys so much for reading and please give me as much feedback as you can give. I know this is really sad, but you guys honestly inspire me to keep writing. Like I said, if you guys have dealt with this at all, please let me know! I am always here for you guys.
> 
> Also, if any of you are talented enough, I would love to see some ideas for a cover photo for the story on AFF. I'm awful at that kind of stuff and I know some of you might be talented enough. Thank you so much and if you want to yell at me, my twitter is @YGANTlS (the I is a lowercase L). Thank you guys so much for reading!


	8. Tape 4 Side A: Junhong

After my talk with Dr. Kwon, I let him leave, my heart feeling a little less heavy and my mind feeling a little less cloudy. The first thing I did was put in the next tape. I had never heard of Choi Junhong, but it was going to nice to hear about somebody I didn't have some sort of knowledge about. As I sat at the bus stop waiting for the next bus, Youngjae's voice filled my ears again, this time a bit lighter in despair and a little softer.

_Excuse me if I sound a bit happy. I just spent the day with somebody I'm in love with. I wish he knew._

_He will. Soon, but not yet. Right now, I'm going to talk about Choi Junhong._

_I met you, Choi Junhong, actually through Dr. Kwon. He helped set up a group therapy that wasn't in some stuffy therapist's office. Every Wednesday, we would meet at your house and eat snacks, play video games, and talk about our issues. It seemed like a good idea when Dr. Kwon brought it up to me. It was a safe space to connect with others like me. Other "teens" with issues would show up and we would all have some sort of bonding session over Battlefield and pizza rolls._

_Sue me for having some sort of hope. These group therapy sessions weren't monitored by Dr. Kwon all the time. He came about once a month and helped out with some of the deeper issues that popped up. My first therapy session was one of these rare sessions he showed up. You were a home schooled kid that lived across the street right next to Jaebum so walking over there felt a little awkward. I breathed in deeply and knocked on the door. A tall lanky kid opened the door and grinned at me. Back then, I was lonely. Back then, if anything treated me warmly, I would turn it into attraction. So, I guess a lot of this is mainly my fault._

_I walked in, said hello to you, and followed you down into the den that these kids met with. Dr. Kwon was already there, and we all sat down on the couches and chairs that were pushed closely together. He talked on and on for about twenty minutes about how sharing was always important. This was a safe space. This was supposed to help us._

_"There's some new faces around here so I want us to all introduce ourselves," Dr. Kwon looked over at you to start._

_"I'm Junhong. I have insomnia and PTSD," you breathed in softly before looking over to the guy next to him._

_I met Hyeji who was addicted to sex. Then there was Yoongi with anger issues, his boyfriend Jimin with an eating disorder like mine, and Yibo with anxiety disorder. There was also Hani with borderline personality disorder. And finally Amber. We'll get to Amber later in these tapes as well. Just remember her. Amber has bipolar personality disorder. We spent the whole time talking about how our issues didn't define us, but rather made us stronger. What a load of bullshit._

_Dr. Kwon ended the session shortly after, "You can always count on the ones around you to help. This group is one of sharing and help."_

_The next time I went over, it was anything but that._

_You opened the door again, your bright smile making my heart skip erratically. You led me down to the den again, but this time, all the kids were laughing and joking around. I sat next to you as you slid me a beer._

_"I don't drink," I shook my head._

_"Look, nobody is coming down here. We usually just meet up, get drunk, and ignore all of our issues," you grinned, "Dr. Kwon thinks that if we're in a place that isn't stuffy and annoying, we'll be more susceptible to open up and talk."_

_"So you guys just hang out and drink?" I asked._

_"Yep. Among other things," you looked me up and down, your eyes trailing from my face to my lips to my thighs. I shivered, a sense of uncertainty growing. That first session without Dr. Kwon I got drunk and sat way too close to you._

_The next time I went over there, it wasn't for a meeting. you had texted me around 3 am and asked if I could come over for a bit. I knew what you wanted. At the time, I wanted it too. So, I went over there with my head held high as you softly opened your door to let me in. We went to the den, closing the curtain that was a metaphorical door so your parents wouldn't catch you doing anything down there._

_"They won't wake up?" I asked as you handed me another beer._

_"They're not here. Both of them work overnights at this plant a town over," you shook your head. "It's just me."_

_"Oh," I took a sip of my beer.  
_

The bus finally pulled up and I paused the tape, my heart racing as my skin was cold. Youngjae's voice was built up in this sexual way that wasn't healthy. I didn't need him to tell me where to go next. I just went to Junhong's house. It was marked '4' on the map. I needed to be close to him. Or at least where he was. The whole way there I thought about Youngjae with somebody I didn't know. Kissing him, touching him. My entire body was numb with the thought. I didn't even a Junhong, yet here Youngjae was, flirting and drinking with him. My Youngjae.

_You watched me take a sip and looked down at your lap, "You're very beautiful Youngjae."_

_"T-thanks," I blushed. You were blunt. I liked that. I needed that._

_I'm going to be very detailed here. Some of you need to hear this. Some of you, well one of you, I wish you didn't have to hear this. I wish you didn't have to hear every detail I'm about to describe._

_But it's necessary. It's necessary to the one I don't want to hear this, because it'll describe my behavior later on and why I didn't tell you how I felt._

_Junhong, you leaned over and kissed me. Your breath smelled like peppermint and beer and your lips tasted just like peppermint alone. When you moved me underneath me, I couldn't breathe as you pinned me down tighter. I moaned into your mouth as you rubbed against me, already half hard. There was a moment of hesitation as I played with the hem of your shirt, my fingers were grazing your skin. You finally leaned up, taking your shirt off and leaned back down to reach for mine. When you did, I could see the scars Junhong. There was enough light to show me that._

_After you took my shirt off, I let you have full total reign of me. I couldn't fight off the need of you any longer. I don't know what attracted me to you at all. You weren't my type. You were tall and lanky, caging me just perfectly. You were younger, at least a year or two. You didn't look like... somebody._

_But I needed you._

_So when we got completely naked and you were making your way down, I let go of everything else in my life. As soon as you took my dick in your mouth, it was like the only thing that mattered was the movie playing in the background and how it cast a shadow on your hollowed out cheeks._

_Junhong, the one thing you do really well, is blow jobs. I don't think I ever told you that._

_When I was close, you pulled away and moved your dick close to my face. I took the hint, nervousness etched across my face as I began to suck on yours. You leaned back and moaned, your eyes fluttering shut as I moved my tongue around. Before you could cum, I pulled away, my heart beating fast as I did. I waited for you to regain yourself before you looked down at me, lowering yourself to kiss me softly. As you did, you went in. No other preparation. You didn't move until I pulled away from our kiss and nodded._

_We had sex that night. Slow sex. Good fucking sex._

_So that's why it didn't feel real to me when we were at the next meeting and you and Hyeji were all over each other._

_I didn't make sense that you would ignore me at that meeting, or the next, or even the one after that._

_Finally, after three weeks, you texted me again, asking for me to come over and you would "explain"._

_So I did. I came over and instead, you just started kissing me again. So I kissed back, my mind screaming out not to do it, but I had stopped listening to my mind years ago. I kissed you softly, my heart pounding as we moved to the couch and again, we had mind numbing sex._

_And this went on until I had that blow up fight with Dr. Kwon. I came to the last meeting, ready to say goodbye, when you cornered me in the hallway of your house. You kissed my neck and invited me up to your room. We always went to your den, making out and having sex on the couch. The same one Amber and Jimin were sitting on now._

_I sat on your bed as you looked around your room for something._

_"What are you looking for?" I asked softly._

_"Um," your voice shook as if you were nervous, "This-um-just don't worry about it. I probably won't find it."_

The bus slowed down and I got off, just a couple of blocks from where Junhong's house was on the map. Just as I did, my feet stopped on the sidewalk. I didn't want to get any closer but I could see the front door of the house. So, I stopped, sat down on the bus stop bench, and waited for the next words out of Youngjae's mouth.

_So instead, you turned to me, pushed me against the bed and started kissing me. I tried to stop you and you leaned back, a look of frustration in your eyes._

_"I can't anymore. I was actually coming to say goodbye," I swallowed and looked away._

_"What are you talking about? Are you about to kill yourself?" you laughed._

_"N-no," I shook my head at the time. "I'm just stopping seeing Dr. Kwon. No need anymore."_

_"So what? You're cured?" you laughed, "Doesn't mean we have to stop. You still live right across the street from me."_

_"You ignore me every other time we're around each other," I scoffed._

_"What? You want me to be your boyfriend? Sorry Youngjae, but I'm not really into relationships with guys. I just like to fuck them," you rolled off me with a huff, "And I thought you were the perfect fuck."_

_"Is that all? Or can I go now?" I stood up._

_"Let's just fuck one more time. Seriously," you grabbed my wrist and I stared down at you. I didn't say anything as you pulled me closer and undid my belt. I stayed silent as you pulled my pants down and wrapped your fingers in the hem of my boxers to get rid of those too. I swallowed thickly as you wrapped your lips around my half hard dick and squeezed my ass with your hands. You kept going, my moans muffled by my hands. I didn't want anybody to hear me. I didn't want them to know._

_When you got close to finishing me off, you shoved me down on my knees and pulled off my shirt. I worked on your belt, knowing that if we didn't do this now, I would never let myself say goodbye later. The sex was THAT good._

_I pulled off your pants and boxers as you took off your shirt. You leaned back, your dick already hard in my hands. I kissed the tip and licked up the precum slowly. Your hand went to your mouth to cover your moans, a deep sense of pride rushing to my head. I licked along the side of it and finally took it all in my mouth._

_Are you remembering all of this? Are you jacking off to the memory Junhong? Fuck, thinking about it now, I'm getting hard. Maybe I should jack off to the memory of it myself. On tape. So you can hear my moans for the last time._

_Fucked up isn't it?_

_Huh._

_So I sucked you off and you pulled me up before I could finish. You positioned me on top of you and before I could say anything, you thrust upwards, filling me completely. I still remember the intense feeling of trying to stay quiet while the best feeling in the world was happening. Did you know that I was enjoying every second of it? Could you see it on my face?_

_You know, maybe hearing me describe us fucking that time isn't as good as the video._

_Oh here it is._

_The reason you're on these tapes._

_For those of you joining us, metaphorically, not in the sex, Junhong recorded me that night. He recorded a sex tape of us_ without _my consent. He apparently does this to a lot of people, I found out._

I paused the tape and tried not to throw up. The thought that Junhong got to do this with Youngjae and completely betrayed his trust angered me. I took a few calming breaths and pressed play again.

_If you want to see my video, you can go to his website. PrettyOnTop.com. How fucking lame. Couldn't even have a good website name, huh? My video is titled "Twink Rides Pretty Quietly". Funny. I never thought of myself as a twink._

_For those of you listening, I actually want you to go watch this. You can actually see the betrayal of this. You'll know this isn't some ramblings of a crazy man who is spouting out lies. There's actual proof. Junhong, if you delete your website, the same person who is holding these tapes, will reupload all of your videos and send them to the police. So, I wouldn't do anything rash._

Youngjae paused, a long silence filling the tape. I pulled out my phone, my heart racing as I typed in the website URL. Sure enough, it was still up. The byline now read 'I'm So Sorry Youngjae'. A lengthy apology was written out on the front page. I skimmed it, laughing bitterly at the excuses and dumb ass words Junhong had written out. I went to the search bar and typed in the title of the video. Sure enough, there it was. A dimly lit bedroom with a sad looking Youngjae was the thumbnail. I clicked on it, watching everything that Youngjae had already described play out. From the blow job to the sex.

_Are you watching it?_

Youngjae's voice sounded personal. Like he was asking me. I jumped, pausing the tape as the video played on in my hands. For a second, I felt like he was really there, alive again. A couple of tears slipped down my face and I stifled a sob. I kept watching the video, realizing just how fucking stupid Junhong was for recording this. I didn't know him, but at that exact moment I wanted to kill him. Once they stopped, Youngjae climbed off and slid next to Junhong. I guess he fell asleep, because Junhong stood up, walked across the room, and picked up the camera. He moved close to the bed and grabbed his dick again, pumping it lazily a few times. He leaned down and put the camera next to the bed and hidden underneath something. He kept going with the handjob and after Youngjae had basically woken up again, he started to suck him off again. Youngjae slapped his hand against his mouth, obviously enjoying whatever Junhong was doing. 

"You like my mouth around your cock?" Junhong pulled away and smirked. Youngjae nodded and Junhong laughed as he leaned back down to continue. There were some loud noises in the background and then it sounded like somebody screaming Junhong's name. Junhong pulled away, letting Youngjae's hard dick fall from his hands and moved to get dressed.

"You're not going to finish?" Youngjae scoffed.

"How about you jack off while I get dressed? It'll give me a nice image for later," Junhong smirked. Prick. Youngjae smirked and did just that. He wrapped his hand around his own dick and started pumping until he could feel the familiar feeling. Junhong slid on his shirt and his pants, watching intently. When Youngjae finally came, Junhong let out a breathy sigh of relief and turned his head away. Youngjae laid out, naked, euphoric, and yet Junhong just threw a towel at him and told him to get dressed. He walked over to the desk and picked up the camera without Youngjae seeing. I shivered as the video stopped, a deep dark sense of anger brooding inside of me.

I pressed play on the tape, my hands shaking as I put my phone back in my pocket.

_I didn't know you were filming me. When you sent me the link a couple of weeks later, I didn't respond. I couldn't. I couldn't do anything about it without wanting to cry. That was fucked up Junhong. That was really, really fucked up. You know you could go to jail for all of that?_

_The thing is, whenever I was feeling gross and hateful towards myself, I looked back at the video and looked how fat and disgusting I looked. You really highlighted how pathetic I was. I was literally enjoying every moment and you looked... bored._

_The sex wasn't good for you. That was easy to tell. You were bored and you were just doing it for the release._

_But maybe you knew I enjoyed it that much and you pitied me._

_So thanks, Junhong. Seriously thank you for that._

_Send these tapes to Moon Jongup. He lives at 235 South Wiltern Avenue Apartment 74. Goodbye Junhong._

The tapes went silent. My world went silent. This was just another tale of an entirely fucked up life for Youngjae. Why didn't I help him? Why was I so naive and stupid?

I'm so sorry Youngjae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update!! Sorry I'm just in a good mood and quite inspire today!
> 
> Again any feedback would be nice and greatly appreciated! I love you guys :)
> 
> twitter: @YGANTlS


	9. Tape 4 Side B: Jongup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick warning!! This chapter does have mentions of a non-con situation but none of it actually happens. It's just mentioned, I promise.

_Moon Jongup and I weren't really friends. We knew each other from school and we could honestly say that there was nothing against that. He dated my sister. He knew... other people.. that I knew._

_He also knew what I did. What Himchan convinced me to do._

_He also didn't care. Which is why when I saw him at a party my senior year and he caught me throwing up, he didn't judge me. He just stepped into the bathroom and started playing with his hair to wait until I was finished._

_Again, we weren't really friends._

_But we were at the same time. Every time we ran into each other, he gave me the sad look. Not pity, but of understanding. He would compliment me and make me feel like I was normal every once and a while. When our common friends would hook up and all go out together, he would make sure that I wasn't left behind by anybody or at the background of the show._

That was thanks to me. Jongup eventually found out that I had a small crush on Youngjae and would push me closer to him or make sure that Youngjae and I sat together in Himchan's beat up van. I didn't think it actually had an impact on him. I was now sat on the bus heading towards Moon and Stars. The local club was led by Jongup's dad and his mom was the club promoter. Tonight, Jiho was performing but I wasn't going for him. I was going because I knew Youngjae would send me there. Somehow, it made sense that I would be going on a busy night. The bright lights from the outside were already in my view as I continued to listen to Youngjae's weighed down voice.

_It made a lasting impression on me. That's why it truly does hurt me to include him on these tapes. Jongup was cool, nice, and an all around nice guy. But Jongup, did you know, that when any of this was happening, that it would cause a mentally scarring memory to push me closer to the edge?_

_It was June 14th, 2014. All of us had just graduated from high school and were waiting for you, the baby of our group to follow suit. You invited us out to a giant graduation party at your parents club, which I want all of you listening to these tapes to go to now, and for once, I felt like I had a life. The last three years of my life were good years mostly. Maybe if I had focused more on these years than what actually happened the rest of my life, I wouldn't hate myself now._

_I wonder how I'll do it, by the way. I've decided on when I'm going to do it, but not how. Should I throw myself off a building? Should I drown myself? Should I shoot myself?_

There was a thick silence and I closed my eyes to keep the tears back. The official details about his suicide were never released. I never asked either. When I heard about what happened, I just kept the thick bile in my throat down and burrowed myself away for days. I paused the tape, mainly because the club was in view and I wanted to walk a little before I got there. I ran off the bus and started on the mile walk I had left. Pulling out my mostly empty box of cigarettes, I lit one, taking a long drag off of one. Youngjae always wanted me to quit, begging me to save my lungs. He wanted me to live a long, prosperous life. 

I wanted to if he would be by my side.

I should've made that a point. I should've been cute and said  _'If you're by my side, I'll never smoke again. In fact, go on a date with me and I'll never light up again.'_ Maybe that would've done something to save him.

I'm bargaining now, pleading with whatever God is out there to bring him back and take me instead. That's the only way I'll get through any of this. I want Youngjae to have a clean, happy life. He shouldn't have hated himself. He shouldn't have person after person hurt himself in this way.

I pressed play after a few drags and stuffed the tape player in my back pocket, protruding slightly in an awkward fashion.

_Maybe I don't do it. Maybe I just run off and leave these instead. Maybe I'll do that and leave one last tape as a great scavenger hunt to find me if you wanted to say sorry and make amends. I'm pretty sure none of you would come. None of you would actually care. None of you did in the first place._

_Back to you Jongup._

_We all arrived before the club opened to help set up in anyway possible. You pushed me to be more open with everybody._

_"Just be yourself, Youngjae," you told me._

_"Nobody likes him," I joked, hoping you'd catch the self hatred and the patronizing way I talked about myself._

_"I do," you scoffed, "I'm sure everybody else will."_

_I really thought you were a good guy Jongup. And no matter how much I hated my sister, you never had the right to do what you did to her._ _I'm sure this is what started her secret partying phase and just about everything else that made her as fucked up as she is now. Funnily enough, you did this while I was in the room, twenty feet away from you. Why? Why fuck up our family this bad?_

_For all those just joining us, I'll explain._

_After the party got started, Jongup invited us into this secret VIP room that only he and his parents knew about. There was about enough room for the ten of us._

_Himchan, Jongup, Daehyun, Hyungwon, Kwangmin and Youngmin, Youngsun, Hyeji, my sister, and me. Every once and a while a few of us would leave to go dance or get more drinks or something else. The only one old enough to legally buy drinks was Himchan so he was practically gone the whole night. Daehyun, Hyungwon, and the twins were out dancing. Youngsun and Hyeji had probably gone off with Himchan to get something to drink._

_I was in the private bathroom, washing up and throwing up. I was about to go back out and dance with the group, but you stopped me. I heard your voice and I heard my sister's slurred words._

_You kept kissing her apparently, she kept saying no. You stopped, your words full of anger and hate as you muttered, 'Drunk bitch.'_

_You left. You left my sister and you didn't stop some other guy from coming in. In fact, you even said 'She's passed out drunk. Doesn't know what's going on.'_

_"Can I go in there then?" the other guy asked, suggestion in his voice._

_You paused before sighing, "Sure man. I'll make sure nobody comes in."_

_Now, you two may have been broken up at that point, but there was no reason to let some other guy come in when she was drunk. There was no reason for it at all. I stepped out of the bathroom and tried to wake her up as the other guy came in, his face full of surprise when he saw me there. Yeji wouldn't wake up, slumped over on one of the couches, her eyes rolling back as she muttered at me to go away._

_"I thought there was just one surprise in here," he smiled. I had never seen this guy in my life, nor did I ever want to again._

_"You need to leave," my voice wasn't strong. My voice shook slightly._

_"If I did that, where else would I go to have fun?" he sneered._

No. No, please dear god, no. I was so close. I didn't know any of this was going on. No. If he got-

I couldn't say it. Couldn't think it. If this happened to him, that'll be it. I would skip to mine. I would get it over with it and not force myself to listen to any more of these tapes.

_"Get out," my voice was rough and harsh against the smooth beats flowing from the main room of the club._

_"Jongup told me-" he looked confused as he started to step closer, "But you're putting up quite a fight."_

_"What?" I swallowed as his sentences seemed chopped and sharp._

_"You can't make me leave. But you'll fight back," he smirked. The evil expression across his face sent chills up my spine, giving me a deep sense of fear growing within every second._

_"I'm stronger than I look," I stood my ground and steadied my voice._

_"So am I," his lips stretched into a full grin as he finally crossed the room and grabbed me by the arm. I screamed out for you Jongup. Did you not hear? Did you not care? He kissed me forcefully and I shoved against him. He pushed me into the couch and let my sister fall to the ground. I lifted my knee into his crotch and watched him cringe._

_"You bitch," he grabbed my hair and screamed out slightly, "You'll regret that."_

_I coughed against the sudden arm on my neck and kicked out again. This time I hit the table and a glass crashed against the floor. Just as I did, the door opened and the asshole clamored away from me quickly. I took a deep breath in as I rushed towards my sister on the ground. She was breathing, but definitely passed out. I picked her up and watched as Himchan and a worried looking Jongup walked into the room. Why did you look so worried Jongup? Because you saw me and figured I was sober enough to tell people about what you were about to let this guy do? Or because you actually cared about me and not my sister?_

_I wanted to hurt you when I saw the worry in your face. Himchan kept asking what was going on but I ignored him, slinging my sister's arm around my neck. As I tried to carry her out, you tried to help. I gave you look and at the moment, you knew that I knew everything. I heard everything._

_You were about to let my sister get raped. You hear that word? Raped. If I wasn't in that room that night, would she have been? Who even was that man, Jongup? He looked too old to be in your age group. Was he one of your parent's friends who stayed around the club for the fringe benefits? You two talked like you knew each other and as I left, you gave him a glare that I read as 'you fucked it up'. Was I wrong?_

_I don't want to look at you like an accessory to rape, but that's all you are in my mind now. I didn't want to be around you anymore, but unfortunately for the most part, I had to. I couldn't say anything without embarrassing my sister. By the way, the next morning, when I told her, she didn't thank me for saving me. She screamed at me for ruining her chance to get back with you. She did, however, told me that nobody would believe another man trying to rape me._

_"Why would a guy want to rape a guy? Aren't gays horny all the time?" she spewed off, "I mean, it's easy for gays to find other gays to sleep with."_

_Yeah. Cool._

_Anyways._

_Jongup, I hope you realize the full length of just how fucked up what you did was. I hope somebody else on these tapes goes to the cops and they find that man. I hope one day, he gets caught. Because the next time I was at that club, I watched you take a super drunk woman to the same room. I saw you get that guy at the bar. I saw him go in. I saw him come out just thirty minutes later, satisfied and a tad disheveled._

_You let it keep happening when you figured out you were in the clear didn't you?_

_Fuck you._

_I saw you did that, and I couldn't think anymore._

_If you guys want to, go to Jongup's house marked number 1 on the map and relive this moment I'm about to describe._

As relief flooded my bones that he didn't get raped, I swallowed thickly. I was almost to the club now and decided to skip out on this location. To head to Jongup's house seemed too personal and this whole story was just heart breaking to hear. All of this rested on Youngjae. He tried to protect his younger sister and instead go met with anger and homophobia instead. Jongup kept going with his fucked up plan with this fuckhead and I was positivie he was here tonight. It was becoming a trend that I saw all these people tonight, so I was actually hoping he would be in the club. Jiho and him knew each other through theater at school so I wouldn't be surprised that he would be here. 

I walked straight up to the bouncer who gave me a menacing grin. I recognized him from the other times I was there. His eyes were dark and dingy as he opened up the door for me and told me that Jongup was by the bar or in the kitchen. I swallowed as I went straight there, Youngjae's voice still going in my ears. The music was loud but I could still hear him as each word was full of hatred and anger.

_I showed up to your house at the start of my sophomore year of college. I was deterriating and still really didn't trust you, but I needed to get everything off my chest. Maybe it was my anger and few sessions with Dr. Kwon that I was actually attending or maybe it was just pent up frustration towards you. I knocked on your door and when you opened it, I punched you. First time I did anything like that in my life. Hurt like a fucking bitch. Hurt so much that I almost stopped but when I punched you again, relief flood through me like a faucet turning on after a long time. Sputtering, and then all at once._

_When you looked up at me, nose bloody and a bruise already forming by his eye, I spat at you, "That's for almost getting my sister and I raped."_

_"I didn't-" you started._

_"Anything you say after those two words won't heal the fact that I fucking hate your god damn guts. I thought I would trust you. I thought in the end I could trust you. Why in the world did you have to fucking let him in the room? She was DRUNK asshole," I yelled loudly._

_"Youngjae, please," you pleaded._

_"Nothing you say or do will ever make any of this better," I walked away, feeling better than I had in months. No. Probably years._

Standing there, looking for Jongup, I wanted to do the exact same thing.

_Send these tapes to Shownu's house Jongup. He's your neighbor so you don't have to go far._

The tape went silent and I slid off the headphones as I finally caught sight of him. He was fighting fiercely with some older looking man, but from where I was, it almost looked like Jongup was talking to him. It wasn't until the older guy shoved him and ran past him that I saw that he was probably fighting with him.

I crossed the room and walked up slowly, trying to figure out what to say to him when he beat me to the punch, "That was him."

"That was the guy?" I swallowed.

"He's my older brother. I've known he's had a problem, but he threatened me. He said that if I said anything he would go to the police and turn both of us in. Him as a rapist and me as the accomplice," Jongup looked at his feet. "I didn't know Youngjae was in the room. I shouldn't have done that to his sister either, but I didn't know he was in there."

"Jongup," I swallowed thickly, "Why didn't you stop after that? Turn him in yourself?"

"I didn't know what to do. Then when my brother found out that Youngjae and I were kind of friends, he made sure I wouldn't say anything," Jongup laughed bitterly.

"What do you mean?" I asked slowly.

"He said that if I told anybody, he would say that I tried to rape his sister first," Jongup looked up at the stage where Jiho was performing. There was a large crowd and basically the whole place was backed. We were already screaming over the music to talk to each other. He looked to the back room and I nodded as we made our way there. He closed the door and let out a shaky breath as silence filled the room.

"On the camera, you can see that Yeji is drunk. Like really drunk. The few weeks leading up to that night we had been talking a lot again. I thought maybe we would get back together but when I tried to kiss her she kept pushing me away and mumbling no. I was pissed. Not enough to do what I did, but I was hurt. It's not an excuse, but I look pissed as I walked out of the room. It looks like somebody trying to sleep with a drunk woman but getting pissed off when she says no. He showed me the tapes and said he made a copy and kept them somewhere hidden. He says he does that for all of them," Jongup looked up suddenly, "But I found them last week. I found them and I went to the police this morning. My brother just found out but the cops are already close to finding him. They were here this morning getting evidence."

"If Youngjae knew you did that-" I swallowed.

"I'm getting arrested too. I'll probably be in jail for a while. It was worth it though," Jongup laughed softly, "I wish he did know. I wish I could've saved him too. I tried to help him in my own fucked up way."

"I wish I did too," I looked down at the tape player in my hands.

"He-" Jongup started and then shook his head, "No. You need to hear it. I shouldn't tell you."

"What?" I paled.

"Your tape, Daehyun, your tape is the only one nobody else was allowed to listen to. He told us that we wouldn't get your copy. You're the last tape."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! Please don't forget to comment, kudos, and bookmark! See you guys for the next update and my twitter is @YGANTlS :)


	10. Tape 5 Side A: Shownu

_My first year of college was a shaky, but better start than my first year of high school. Of course I just went to our local university but being there compared to seeing it in passing on my way to high school was a lot scarier than I anticipated. I was now a college student. The first thing my parents asked me when I came home one weekend was how many parties I had dragged myself to. Of course I had said none. Just because I had a small group of friends didn't mean I was actually going to parties and such._

_I lived in the dorms my first year. Everybody did. It only seemed right to live in a twelve foot by twelve foot room with two beds and no bathroom. Seriously do colleges not think about how much of that sounds like a jail? I mean, communal bathrooms and dining halls? Come on._

_My roommate was a friend of mine, Kwangmin. I was also friends with his twin Youngmin and the both of them were out a lot. They weren't the party type but a lot of people thought twins were some cool fad, like they hadn't been born twins but decided one day to start looking like each other. Kwangmin was a good roommate and kept his side tidy. He also didn't mind helping me through the once a week breakdowns I would have about classes._

_Kwangmin wasn't the type to really tell about my issues either. I'm sure he talked about it with Youngmin as well but I never once heard him say anything rude about me. I want to thank Kwangmin for that before I go, but I doubt I can. We don't really talk anymore. I don't blame him. I was a shitty roommate and an even shittier friend._

_My RA was you, Shownu. I know Shownu wasn't your real name but you never let anybody call you by your real name nor tell anybody your real name. It was like this big secret and game. The first person to find out your real name would get a keg bought by everybody else playing._

_Yet, nobody could ever figure it out._

_Shownu the Mysterious. You never really smiled nor talked to most of the residents, but when I walked into your room one day to ask you to get the boys in 134 to quiet the fuck down, you smiled at me. You told me you would right away and I even followed you down to their room as you did so._

_The next time we talked was at the small coffee shop by Kindreck Hall. When I walked in and saw how packed it was, I almost left. Then, for some odd reason, you waved me over. I put my stuff down at the table you were already at and got in line for something to drink. I stood in that line and wracked my brain on any reason why you would be so nice to me whenever everybody else claimed you were some sort of quiet force not to reckon with._

_"What are you studying Youngjae?" you asked as I started to pull out my books._

_"Psychology." I swallowed thickly._

_"Cool," you nodded as you looked back down to your own book._

_"What about you?" I tried to keep the conversation going._

_"Oh, um, biology. Maybe. I might go into Physical Education and Coaching. Haven't really decided yet." You shrugged. "What made you decide Psychology?"_

_"I like the way people think. I want to understand it a bit more." I spoke honestly of this._

_You paused, a small smile gracing your face before you looked up at me, "I want to understand you a bit more Youngjae."_

_I didn't know how to take this at first. Up until this point my only experience was with Junhong and that didn't really pan out that well. I had only liked one other person and either I was too dense to see that possibly they like me back or I was too scared to act upon anything for fear of rejection._

_Shownu. Shownu, you were different. You and I started a small romance that day and it followed with something amazing. My first official boyfriend. Well I say official boyfriend but really we hid most of it in secret. Our first date we went off campus and almost out of town to a small restaurant with to die for pasta. Joe's Italian was small, quaint and beautiful. It had low lighting and cozy tables that screamed date night. You ushered me into a corner and ordered for us. I figured stuff like that would be off putting but when you did it, I swooned._

_I grabbed your hand that night over the table and you leaned in close as I told you about the good moments of my life, hiding the ugly rest._

_I couldn't wait to kiss you that night._

_But it didn't happen._

_In fact, our first kiss didn't happen until our fourth date when you told me that you wanted me to go with you to your parents house for thanksgiving. I was over the moon. This, this felt serious._

_"I'll have to introduce you as just a friend though," you followed up the next day as we lay together in your room._

_"What?" I leaned up on my elbow as I traced lines into your shoulder._

_"Yeah, my parents still don't know that I like guys too," you frowned, "I don't know how to tell them."_

_"Oh," I nodded, "I understand."_

_"Do your parents know about you?" you asked, wonder in your eyes as you looked at me._

_"Yeah, but they don't really talk about it. They figure they've got two other kids they can get grandkids out of so let the odd one do whatever he wants," I waved him off and sat all the way up, "I think I'm going to go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow?"_

_"Maybe I'll tell them when you're there," you said suddenly. "As like a buffer. I mean, I trust you to see that side of my family. It might not be pretty."_

_"If you want me to be there when it happens, I will," I leaned back down to kiss you softly. You let it happen and a smile appeared on your face._

_"Thank you Jae," you smirked. "See you tomorrow."_

_I left your room that day with a confidence I never knew I had. I wanted to be there for you for a big moment in your life and you wanted me there._

I paused the tape and looked around my new surroundings. Once I saw that the tape was for Shownu, I headed towards his house on the map. I barely heard about Shownu in high school and he was a forbidden topic between all of us in our college friend group. This was something I had heard about. From what I knew, Youngjae and Shownu were dating but when Youngjae went with him for Christmas to his house, Shownu came out and something happened. But I never knew Youngjae went over for Thanksgiving as well. I sat on a curb a few houses down from Shownu's house and kept a watchful eye on the front door. This was hard, hearing Youngjae be in a relationship. I wanted to be the one who took him on romantic dates and cute outings. I wanted to be the one who held him in bed as we talked about hard life choices. Shownu got to do all of that and ruined it. He completely ruined everything about it and now here he is. Another reason he's gone.

_So when Thanksgiving came and we were there and you didn't say anything, I got worried. What if you chickened out? Dinner was served, beers passed around between the guys, and your dad gave us a warm welcoming smile as your mom passed around the mash potatoes and turkey._

_I pulled you aside after dinner when everybody was talking over cold food and empty plates, "Are you going to="_

_"No. I can't. I can't yet," you shook your head, "I'm sorry Youngjae but I will. Just give me some time."_

_"It's whenever you want to. I'll always be here for you though, okay?" I rubbed your arm and you leaned into it slightly before kissing my forehead._

_"Let's get back," you took a deep breath and squeezed my hand before leaving the room before me. I sighed and looked around the small bathroom we had hidden in. I wanted to kiss you and reassure you as you made the decision to go out and tell them about you, but instead, I was stuck in a small room full of nautical themed bathroom decorations and soaps and towels. I wanted to throw up. So I did._

_I mean, it was a big meal I just pretended to eat._

_When I came out, you were next to your dad on the couch drinking a beer with a frown on your face. He was spewing on about how whatever football team that was playing was a load of horse shit. I wanted to reach out to you then and tell you I was there for you again but instead I did something shitty._

_"So I think I'm going to go see my parents for a bit. They're eating a bit late anyways," I announced. You looked up with panicked eyes and a questioning stare._

_"I'll-uh-I'll walk you out," you muttered._

_"Thank you for having me," I nodded to your parents as they thanked me for coming. As soon as we got to the door, I handed you your coat, "Come meet my parents."_

_"What-" you looked panicked._

_"You can be yourself in front of them and they won't say anything to your parents," I promised._

_"Youngjae," you sighed._

_"Or you can stay here while your parents ignore you being here. I just want to be your boyfriend without having to hide it," I was whispering harshly._

_You paused. I could see the cogs turning in your mind as you decided between staying and going. Finally, you walked back into the living room without a word. I took it as a no and dropped your coat as I walked out quickly._

_When you appeared moments later, cheeks red as you ran out after me, I wanted to kiss you in front of the entire world, "I was saying bye to them dumbass."_

_My parents loved you by the way. You made the entire night worth it._

_When we got back to school, I wanted to scream to the roof tops that I had such a wonderful boyfriend. We were fully dating by then. In front of everybody and everything. Kwangmin kept congratulating me before asking me your real name, which I never told. I knew at that point. I mean, your parents didn't call you Shownu. You wouldn't even allow me to call you by your real name when it was just us too. Youngmin would press for it too, almost like I would break if the other twin pushed for it as harshly as Kwangmin did. The weirdest response of us dating came from somebody else, but I can't quite talk about that yet. That person's tape will come up shortly. This was before the party mind you, so Jongup and I were still cordial. I wished that I could say that was still the case. Jongup congratulated me as well before asking about everything else in my life. I told him you didn't know about my bulimia. You never did though, did you? That probably came as a shock. I used to be so carefree about it. I wanted somebody to find me, so the attention could be on me for a moment. By the time I got to your day and age, I never cared. If somebody found out, great. If somebody didn't, great. Now, I just want Himchan to feel like shit for starting it in me._

_Back to you Shownu._

_We would go on dates and I would spend the night in your dorm room most nights. We had sex shortly after thanksgiving and I would almost crave the loving touch you left on my body rather than the lustful one Junhong left. I would proudly show the marks you placed on me. I wanted people to know I was taken and taken by you._

_We were happy. Our relationship was going really well._

_Christmas on the other hand._

_That's where things went sour._

_I was almost certain that you had already told your parents when I walked in Christmas Eve and they greeted me with hugs and welcomes. But your standoffish attitude towards me would prove differently. When we were sitting next to each other at Christmas dinner, I felt almost like a stranger to you. When we were supposed to be asleep next to each other that night, I asked you softly._

_"Of course I haven't told them yet. I still need you by my side." you kissed me._

_"So tomorrow then?" I asked._

_"Tomorrow. I promise. I need to tell them I'm in love with you." your smile was so bright in the darkness of your old room that I went dizzy._

_"You're what?" I asked with a teasing glint to my voice. I sound like a fucking school girl describing it now. Sorry. Teasing glint. Where the fuck did I get that from?_

_"I'm in love with you," you repeated. I kissed you again and it felt like an entirety before I could whisper it back. It was almost scary how much I felt safe in your arms. You became my knight in shining armor that night. I wanted to be by you forever._

_So when I woke up, and we went into the living room together, I waited. I waited until the presents were open and the lunch was set out. I waited until everybody had eaten and we were supposed to leave for my parents house._

_I waited until finally you spoke up._

_"Mom, Dad. I have something to tell you." you took a deep breath. I waited._

_"I am, well. There's only one way to say this, huh?" you looked to me and I nodded._

_"I'm... um... bisexual."_

_The words didn't seem real. Your parents just stared._

_"So," your mom started, "you like men as well?"_

_"Yes." your body seemed cold. I wanted to reach out and grab your hand in the silence._

_"And women?" your dad tilted his head._

_"Yes," you repeated._

_"Can't you just choose women?" your dad seemed agitated._

_"Um," you started._

_"Honey," your mom frowned, "That's like asking somebody to choose between coffee or tea. Some people like both."_

_"Thank you Mom," you figited._

_"Besides, you've never even dated a man have you?" your mom turned back to you, "I mean, it's like a fun thing right? You'll settle down with a nice woman in the future."_

_"Um," you swallowed. I saw you stiffen and I knew what your answer was going to be. "Yes."_

_My heart broke right there. What happened to being in love with me? What happened to the future I had just thought of last night?_

_"But," I brightened up. "Youngjae and I are dating now."_

_They both looked to me; anger was in your father's eyes, "So this is your fault?"_

_"Dad that's unfair," you stood up as your father did._

_"This faggot came waltzing into your life and changed you into a queer," your dad was full on yelling at this point._

_"Dad!" you matched his volume. You two kept yelling. For what seemed like hours. Your mom at one point came and sat next to me putting a comforting arm around me._

_"I always knew," she sighed, "I knew when he brought you over for Thanksgiving."_

_"My parents love him," I tried to smile._

_"So your parents know about him?" she seemed a little disappointed._

_"Oh," I realized what I had basically told her. "He didn't know how to tell you guys. He was going to at Thanksgiving but he wasn't ready."_

_"No it's okay," She reassured me, "I wanted him to tell us himself."_

_"I wish his dad was more accepting," I swallowed._

_"He still loves him. He just wants the best for him," she smiled warmly._

_Later, when you two had finished fighting and we were leaving, you looked at me outside. I knew what was about to happen but I didn't want it to._

_"I think we should break up, Youngjae. It's too tense between my father and I right now," you looked at your feet._

_"Why does that have to-" I started._

_"He told me that he's going to stop paying for my college," you laughed bitterly. "I'm sorry but this isn't going to work."_

_You went back inside and I felt robbed of something. Of everything. And it wouldn't of hurt as badly if you had just told me that you needed some time to improve your relationship with your dad or whatever. But you just left me out in the snow to cry about how my first real true love chose everything else above me. Did you ever love me?_

When we came back to school after christmas break, Youngjae and I went out on a walk to the outermost limits of the city. There's this lake with a single bench on the side of it. When we got there, he sat on the bench and screamed to the lake about everything in his life. He was crying at the time, so most of his words were garbled but I could tell he was hurting. I watched him carefully for a couple of weeks but he seemed back to normal after that. But maybe he only showed me the good stuff.

I remember when we were coming back, he asked me if I had really heard anything he had yelled. I told him no and that he was crying too hard to make out what he was saying. He told me that he was happy because his shit was too much for anybody else to deal with. 

I wanted to tell him that day that he could lean on my shoulder and tell me anything.

He could tell me all the colors in the world or read me the phone book and I would've listened. I should've listened to him. I should've listened to every problem he had when he was alive instead of on these stupid tapes.

I got up from my spot on the ground and headed back towards the bus stop, pressing play again.

_It would've been easier to head back to school if it hadn't been for the fact that you were now ignoring me like I was the plague. Which led me to get drunk and show up at your dorm room yelling and screaming. You opened the door and looked at me in disgust._

_"Go to your room. Now."_

_"I'm just some freshman you have to take care of now huh?" I slurred._

_"You're pathetic."_

_Pathetic? I'll show you pathetic, I thought. "I loved you. I think I still do."_

_"I don't love you Youngjae. You got attached too quickly. Go back to your room." you sighed._

_Then, the most utmost betrayal, "Are you coming back to bed Hyunwoo?"_

_"In a minute babe. I have to take care of this drunk kid." you opened the door more and there revealed a barely dressed co-ed in your bed._

_"Who is that?" I slurred even more, my eyes opening even wider._

_"My girlfriend," you gritted your teeth._

_"Girlfriend? Did you start dating like right away?" I laughed, disbelief all over my face.  
_

_"We've been dating since Thanksgiving," your words were stabs to the heart. I didn't need you to take me back to my room; I left in a hurry before I could be embarrassed any further._

_SO thank you for that Hyunwoo. Oh, sorry. Shownu. Stupid ass nickname._

_I mean, this isn't really as bad as what others had done for me, but this was the start to the bad "luck" I had in college. So, I guess you could say this was ACT 2, SCENE 1. Everything from here forward was just a nail in my coffin._

_Maybe I should pick out my coffin now. Plan my funeral. That would be a nice finalization for me. A planned personal funeral. I almost want to do it now._

_Well. Send these tapes to Amber Liu. She lives at 432 Yale Avenue._

_Thanks Hyunwoo. I really have to admit that being dumped Christmas Day was a great memory for me._

The tape ended and I felt empty. Words were gone from my head as I wanted to think of something to say to the ghost of Youngjae now. If he was in front of me now, what could I say? What could I tell him to rethink all of this?

Would it even matter? Life was so unkind to him back then and he couldn't have been saved from some friend who said "Perk up Youngjae, things get better!"

Because who really knows if they do. How am I to say that things can get better when his life was so full of sadness and anger and disappointment. I wanted to hold him then, but even if I did, how do I know I wouldn't have hurt him in the long run?

I still remember the day that I almost told him how I felt. I wanted to say something as we sat at the lake after he finished crying, and maybe I should've, but he had just broken up with Shownu. Would I have seemed heartless and only thinking for myself?

**_"I must seem pathetic right now," he sneered as we looked over at the partially frozen lake._ **

**_"No," I shook my head, "We all have our own problems in life."_ **

**_"Hardly anybody has problems like me," Youngjae laughed bitterly. "I'm surprised you're still my friend."_ **

**_"Why wouldn't I be?" I looked down at my feet, wondering how long it would be for him to look at me. He kept looking at the lake with such a strong expression of defeat._ **

**_"Because I am just a waste of space," he leaned back and finally glanced at me. Our eyes locked and I took a breath in, ready to spill everything.  
_ **

**_But I didn't. Instead I just muttered, "If you were a waste of space I wouldn't be here with you Youngjae. You are one of my best friends. I actually was wanting to hang out with you more."_ **

**_"Oh?" your eyes brightened at that._ **

**_"Please don't ever think you're a waste of space again," I frowned, "Because you have space in my life. Always will."_ **

Still are Youngjae. You're still a space in my life I never want to get rid of.


	11. Tape 5 Side B: Amber

I opened the door to my apartment, exhausted and empty. If earlier I had felt like a walking shell of who I used to be, then now I was cracked and pieces were missing. Nothing felt like it was supposed to and for the life of me, all I wanted was to curl into bed and forget about the tapes. But I couldn't do that in the end. I had to continue. For Youngjae. For myself.

The clock next to my bed blinked a consistent 4:23 am before I turned it away, the light straining in the darkened room. I slid on the pair of headphones and clicked play. Silence filled the first part of the tape before I finally realized there was a quiet crying behind it. Youngjae again. It broke my heart as I pulled my covers over me to amplify how alone he must've felt and put myself into his shoes. When he finally spoke, I swallowed hard at the harshness of his voice as his throat sounded like it had sandpaper walls and his mouth was the desert.

_I met Amber Liu, that's you darling, in the group sessions with Junhong. You were friendly, nice, and actually pretty cool. When Junhong and i weren't fucking, I pretty much stuck to you, a friend in the sorts I could rely on in the beginning. When everything with that group fell apart, you reached out to me and tried to continue to talk to me all throughout highschool and into college. I appreciated it at first, but kept your diagnosis in the back of my mind. Bipolar personality disorder is a tricky disease when it comes to friends. Those who try to help are usually bit back at in return. Who knows of their true intentions when it comes to their manic episodes but I was not going to be caught in the crosshairs._

_Amber, you treated me as a priority in your life when we met up for coffee in my sophomore year of college. I was on the verge of everything. Of dying. Of crying. Of giving up. Of my life._

_But you were there for me for a moment in time. I'm going to talk about that time in my point of view. Then I'm going to talk about how it affected me when that moment ended. You called me up after our coffee session and asked me if you could take me out on a strictly friend date where we could talk and open up to each other. I was hesitant but you insisted, stating that your meds were stable and you were happy right now. I agreed, but only to the condition that I could bail at any time if things got to uncomfortable for me. You made me promise the same condition for you. I really want to think about that for a moment. At the most, I was bulimic, depressed, and suffered from an anxiety disorder. The only thing that was adding on to it was my own sense of insomnia where some nights I would lie in bed for hours without closing my eyes once._

_What could possibly make **you** uncomfortable? I mean honestly? If I pardoned myself to go throw up? If I had a panic attack in the bathroom and wouldn't come out? If I didn't talk and made you do all the talking?_

_Because I did all of those things and you still insisted we go on a second friend date. You needed somebody in your life and promised that I did too. So I agreed. Because you didn't bail and neither did I when you seemed a bit too jazzed up._

_The morning of our friend date I got dressed in what you asked for, casual, but a bit of flair. I met you at your house and I followed you down to the bus stop where we rode to the mall._

_"Why are we going to the mall again?" I sighed._

_"You need new clothes. My dad's credit card hasn't been used in forever. Please let us have a treat yourself day. Or better yet, Amber Treats Youngjae day. When's the last time anybody did anything nice for you?" you groaned._

_"Fair enough," I muttered, too speechless for words to argue back. Why were you doing that? Did you pity me? Did you want something in return?_

_"I was in a dark place about a couple of years ago. Then, somebody stepped up and made sure I saw the beautiful things in life. I want to do the same for you. I see a lot of how I used to be in you," you explained, "I don't feel sorry for you or anything. I relate to you and I just want to pass on what this person did for me."_

_I paused, mulling that over before accepting it as the truth. My smile was wide as we rode all the way to the mall. I laughed fully for the first time that day and as we were shopping you actually made me feel a tad more confident in myself._

_I want you guys to go to that mall and treat yourself to something. Feel the rush of a new purchase. Do it for me._

This was going to have to be one of the times I didn't listen to Youngjae. I couldn't move from my bed.

_"I told you, anything you want. My dad doesn't really buy much and neither do I. He's a doctor at the hospital," you started to speak about yourself and I let you, "My mom died about two years ago and that's when my diagnosis was clear. They really don't diagnose BPD at a young age but it was obvious what it was. My dad saw all the symptoms and literally told every psychiatrist that I needed the right meds for it. The only one who believed him was Dr. Kwon."_

_"I'm so sorry about your mom," we were sat at the food court eating some sort of fast food fatty lunch that I was waiting to throw up in just a few minutes, "So is it just you and your dad now?"_

_You nodded and turned away from me, "She was my best friend and my rock. It happened so fast. One day she was fine and the next day she was in a hospital bed covered in wires and tubes."_

_"What happened?" I swallowed thickly._

_"She tried to commit suicide Youngjae. She jumped off a bridge and got hit by an oncoming car underneath," You suddenly looked at me and I understood. Your mom was the one who saved you before. She convinced you to stay while she took herself._

_"Oh," was all I could breathe out._

_"And I know, she made me see life as a beautiful thriving creature we could grow to love but hers bit back too hard. Please don't let yours," you took a deep breath in and ran a hand through your short hair before looking back down at your food with a laugh, "I'm not really hungry anymore."_

_"I never am," I tried to joke and instead just got an intense glare from you._

_"Come on," you stood up and before I could protest about going to the bathroom we were leaving the mall, bags practically dragging behind us. We ended up at the tattoo parlor across the street from the mall. Go there now if you're done shopping. It's a pretty cool place._

That was my older brother's shop. Sanghyun and I were pretty close despite him being a couple years older. When Youngjae passed, he was the only one who really called me at all and talked me into actually being a human being again. When he opened the shop, I was so supportive, going almost every day to help out if I could. He insisted he pay me for any work I did but I refused. He was one of my best friends in life.

Last week I yelled at him for being annoying and trying to meddle into my life. He and I haven't talked since. I wonder if he knew Youngjae had come into his shop with Amber that day.

_I knew this place from Daehyun. His brother ran it and I had gone in a few times to meet up with him before going to hang out with our group of friends. His brother was at the front and greeted us with a warm smile and immediately recognized me._

_"You know each other?" you asked, "Sanghyun has been my tattoo guy since he opened."_

_"Yeah, he's a friend's brother," I told you._

_"What can I do for you guys today?" he asked as you looked towards me._

_"We both want tattoos," you smirked. I had definitely not agreed to that and I swallowed thickly. Maybe a tattoo would be a good idea to distract me on the gnawing feeling of needing to throw up for the moment. I mean, I already hate my body. Why would I care if something was on it forever?_

Why would Youngjae hate his body? His beautiful, soft body that never seemed imperfect? I wish he saw what I always have seen and that's beauty. Endless beauty. I still remembered how his hair would fall perfectly over his eyes, soft and fluttering. His lips would part in a soft laughter, hiding the horrendous scars he kept inside. His skin was a perfect tone of tan that made his brown eyes so subtly beautiful. He was built perfectly too. He wasn't too tall or too short, his shoulders were just bulky enough, and his long legs weren't awkwardly paired with a short chest. Everything about him was perfect and I had too much time to think about him now. This was driving me into a worse state that I was already in and whatever I did to Youngjae to deserve to be on these tapes, I deserved this pain.

_"Sure," I nodded, a small smile gracing my face._

_"Cool! What can I get done for you guys?" Sanghyun looked from me to you, his eyes lighting up when he heard my words of affirmation._

_"I know what I want but I think Youngjae needs some time to think. We could start with me while he thinks?" you suggested and I nodded. I had a small idea but I wanted to make sure first._

_"Do you have a paper and pencil I could borrow while I wait?" I asked timidly.  
_

_"Sure!" Sanghyun passed me a notebook with an array of pencils, most of them different colors. I sat and started to sketch out my ideas slowly as you went into the back to get tattooed. When you guys came back and you paid him, you turned to me with a big smile, showing me your wrist._

_"Check it out," you turned it from side to side to show a snake with beautiful, different colored scales. It seemed to be chasing it's own tail, about to bite it as it connected together. It was like a bracelet and fit you beautifully, "It's to symbolize that life goes on and it's always trying to mold and change and eat up it's past but it's still beautiful."_

_"Nice," I nodded, obviously impressed by your idea._

_"So, what do you got for me?" Sanghyun smiled from the counter and I took a deep breath. This was going to be fun. I walked slowly up to the counter and showed him my sketch. It was a simple square with a heartbeat symbol in the lower right corner. The words 'Go On' were written in the upper left corner in a pretty cursive I spent most of the time perfecting._

_"Wow," you crooned over it with a big smile, "I love it."_

_"This is what I want," I nodded with a sense of strength, "I'm sure of it."_

_"Okay, let's head back," Sanghyun nodded. As he got ready, I signed all of the necessary paperwork, letting my anxiety grow with every passing second. Once he copied my ID and got the basic idea sketched out onto my skin, he looked up at me one last time, "You ready?"_

_"Yes," I nodded, my heart racing and screaming no._

_"Ankles will hurt but I agree with the placement. It looks bad ass," he smirked. I heard the tattoo gun start up and before I knew it he was starting. Pain. So much beautiful wonderful pain. A lot of people say that tattoos are addictive and that as soon as you get one, you want another one right away. That's the truth with me. The pain made my heart pump with a fervor I hadn't known before. I gasped a little, trying not to jerk my leg so I wouldn't mess him up._

_"Hurt?" he pulled away._

_"No, just surprising," I lied. He hesitated for a moment before starting up again and I waited patiently, enjoying every moment of the pain he was causing me. Beautiful, glorious pain._

_When all was finished and you paid, we left, both feeling different forms of satisfaction for the day. I thought we were heading home, but you surprised me with one last stop. We headed towards the hospital and I tried not to crave the feeling of crawling into one of those beds and letting them pump me full of numbing meds to where I forget what it feels like to actually feel pain. I followed you to the top floor where you greeted your dad, introduced me, and showed me to this weird storage room with a staircase to the roof. We climbed up, swung our legs over the side of the building and you looked at me with a look of sadness I hadn't seen from you yet._

_"After my mom killed herself, I sat here a lot wondering if I should jump too," you started, "And maybe I should just end it all. But then I noticed something. Look at all the birds around us, and look at the trees underneath our feet. They're all alive and moving and continuing on. You can too. The darkest night is always before the brightest day Youngjae and I want you to know that I will always be there for you."_

_I looked down but I didn't see trees or birds or life. I saw an easy way out. I saw a pavement I could land on, hopefully crushing any thought of life I could have left in me. I saw the crowd of people who would witness it and talk about it with everybody as if they knew me. I saw the option I wanted to see. But I decided at that moment to search for the birds and the trees. When I finally saw them, I felt the pain of my new tattoo shoot through my leg. I felt the wind blow through my hair softly. I smelled the fresh air through my nostrils and I truly thought about it. There were parts of life worth living. There were... people I cared about, truly cared about. There were things I still kind of wanted to do._

_I released a sob as you rubbed my back. I needed that more than you knew._

_When I got home to my empty apartment that day, it didn't feel like a harsh box to keep me trapped. It felt like a home. Homework felt like a start for me. A start to learn and teach later on in life._

_There is the moment. Now, here's how the moment ended._

So far, this tape has been mostly Youngjae hating himself. I didn't want to hear how Amber, who seemed to look out for Youngjae, ruined it with him. I couldn't handle that right now. So, I paused the tape, slid off the headphones and put them on the bedside table. Tomorrow could start with that. Tomorrow could be just as shitty as today. I rolled over and mentally cursed myself for everything I never did for Youngjae.

 

 

When I woke up the next morning, everything felt slightly normal. I stretched, the long walks I had done last night ringing in my sore muscles. As I looked around my room, light flooding in from the slightly covered window, I remembered everything from the night before. Then, the tears came again. They didn't stop all of last night and I was sure they would never stop. It's hard to admit that you let somebody you care about and love get hurt time and time again without even knowing about it. 

I missed Youngjae in the simplest things of my life. Back when he was alive, Youngjae would wake me up for a class we had together in the morning. His apartment was just four doors down from mine and I told him where I hid a spare key, so he would just let himself in and drag me out of bed.

Then he would sit on his phone and talk to me about everything going on in his life and classes as I got dressed. Well, I guess he gave me the omitted version of his life. Regardless, when we were ready, we would catch the bus to campus and walk in (usually late) and sit together. That's the beginning of our closer friendship. I was still madly in love with him, still am. Every second together seemed like a beautiful lifetime. I shouldn't have taken it for advantage. I checked my class schedule for the day and groaned when I realized that I was missing two of my classes already. Even with the tapes, Youngjae wouldn't have wanted me to miss any classes at all. He would be nagging about how even though attendance isn't taken, it still affects my grades immensely. I would groan at him to stop lecturing me with a grin on my face and he would swat at my arm like a child.

I would never get this again. I would never feel his slap on my arm again or listen to his laugh as he muttered what nut case I was under his breath.

I slid the covers back over my body and grabbed the tapes. Today I would finish them and today only would I allow myself to grieve over him again. Youngjae would want me to live my life fully and with happiness. That's what I was going to do.

_A couple of months later, right after finals for my sophomore year ended, I really needed you. Badly. So I called you. You were ecstatic to hear from me first since most of the time it was you starting the conversation. So we met up, but right away I could tell something was off. You were too hyped. Too jazzed up._

_"So whats up?" your eyes were darting back and forth like there were bugs flying in front of you._

_"I, um, well-" I breathed out, "Are you okay?"_

_"I'm fine," your tone was harsh and you ran a hand through your hair again. It was black now. Different._

_"Okay, well," I breathed in._

_"Just cut to the chase," you sighed exasperatedly._

_"I want to kill myself," I spit out._

_There was a long silence as you took in what I had said, "So nothing I did worked?"_

_"It did for a while," I defended myself._

_"But a while isn't good enough? God Youngjae do I have to babysit you?" you were yelling now, everybody in the coffee shop staring at you._

_"No, but-" I was at a whisper compared to your voice._

_"Not everything is about you. You could just kill yourself. Who would miss you? Me? Not at all. I've got other basket cases to help. You think your family would miss you? Your brother who hates you?  Your sister who can't stand being in the same room as you? Your parents who realized what a great big fuckup you are to them?" each word was a stab to my heart and another nail in my fucking coffin again, "Or how about your group of friends or that guy you're in love with? Any of them miss you right now? Any of them wondering where you are on a Saturday afternoon? No! Because nobody would miss you."_

_And with that, you stormed out, much how like you stormed in._

_I know this was probably an episode in your bipolar disorder, but honestly, what did I do to you to deserve an outburst like that? I shouldn't blame it on your BPD because you claimed you were perfectly medicated. I mean, for fucks sake, your dad is a doctor. Wouldn't he see the signs of you reacting badly?_

_Life isn't the way you picture it. It's supposed to go like this:_

_Step 1. Be a kid._

_Step 2. Go to school._

_Step 3. Graduate and go to college._

_Step 4. Graduate college and find a job._

_Step 5. Find somebody to marry._

_Step 6. Have kids-or not. Just enjoy your family,  no matter the size._

_Step 7. Live out the rest of your life at the same job trying to climb up in the ladder before you fail and reach retirement._

_Step 8. Die._

_But for me, I never will get past step 3. I'll never marry anybody and I'll never reach retirement age. I'll never have kids and I'll have my own family._

_Would I even want kids? Would I want to bring somebody into this pathetic excuse of a world? Would I adopt with whatever man I ended up with?_

_No. Because you were right Amber. Nobody misses me. I decided to test your theory and go missing for one week._

_And only one person tried to find me._

_Maybe they'll be a reason I stay._

_So, send these tapes to Lee Chaelin. She lives at 908 West 19th Street Apartment 14._

_Thanks for your affirmation._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please come yell at me @YGANTlS (the i is a lowercase L lol)
> 
> also please comment, kudos, and bookmark that would be tremendous motivation to continue to update :) i read all of your comments i promise lol


	12. Tape 6 Side A: Chaelin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I wanted to start this chapter out really quick by adding a little note here. I know this fic has a lot of sadness, harsh realities, and triggers. I want you guys to know that in the end, life moves on and it does get better in some aspects. Yes, there might be a lot of dark days in your life but let the light and laughter around you be the fuel to your fire. Each person on this earth has a purpose and each person affects multiple people around you. Just know that somebody out there will listen to you and help you through whatever you need. If you're feeling suicidal or know somebody who is, please reach out to 1-800-273-8255 (US number). There's also an online chat if you search 'national suicide prevention lifeline' and it pops right up. I love each and every one of you guys, so I don't want you struggling through a lot of the things that could lead you to making that choice. This fic is in no way romanticizing suicide or depression. This is something i lived with and I wouldn't wish it on somebody I hated. Love you guys!

After I finished Amber's tape, I pulled out the box of tapes from my back pack. The map laid folded at the bottom of the box and I picked it up, unfolding it as I did. There was a smudge by his apartment, almost as if somebody was crying and they caressed it softly. I pulled on Youngjae's jacket again and I set out to walk down to Youngjae's apartment. When he died, the super gave me a key so I could let in his family to collect his belongings. They still hadn't come and they only had 3 more days before our landlord was going to schedule a cleaning crew. From the state of his apartment, I knew he didn't kill himself here which made me slightly happier than I thought it would. For him to be so close and to have done what he did would've destroyed me. As I unlocked the door and walked in, I was hit with the smell of him. He lived a simplistic life. There was barely any furniture and little character to the front room. 

That should've been a sign really. It was almost like he knew he wouldn't be here long and wanted it to be an easy clean up for when he was gone. I sat on his couch and pulled his jacket tighter before putting in Chaelin's tape and starting it, sliding on the headphones to wait for his voice yet again.

_Fast forward to my junior year of college. I am barely holding on, and I only have one close friend left. Daehyun._

_I don't think you knew this Daehyun, because I know you're listening now, but you were literally my last true good friend. Your tape is coming up soon, I promise._

I paused, my breath hitching and tears already welling up. There was a coldness to the room I hadn't felt before as I ripped the headphones from my ears. This was what I felt the first full mention to what I could've done to him. How could I have done anything so badly to him to finally solidify his death? I racked my brain, no memory of wrong doing or anything. No guilt was felt when it came to Youngjae. I laughed with him and he laughed with me. There was no time for true feelings or angers to come out between us. I stood, pacing in his living room before heading towards his bathroom, my eyes tightening as I noticed the few things of his still in there. He had his favorite cologne, still half empty, and his toothbrush was laying tossed off to the side. I looked up, glancing at my reddening face and wiped away the tears that were falling from my body. 

I wanted to be here and hold him, the urge to protect him growing once again.

 _'He's dead, Daehyun, get it through your fucking skull,'_ I thought as I turned on the water to splash my face with cold water. As soon as I did, I remembered one of the last times we actually hung out.

_**"So I heard this movie is actually pretty fucking cool," Youngjae laughed as he pressed open on his DVD player.  
** _

_**I tossed up a piece of popcorn and caught it in my mouth, "As cool as that was?"** _

_**He seemed to scoff as he copied me, missing his mouth by a mile. I laughed and he joined in shortly after.** _

_**"Anyways, whats it about?" I yawned, leaning back into his couch.** _

_**"A bunch of magicians try to join this secret society thing and they end up getting chased by the FBI and Morgan Freeman. It's apparently mind blowing," he tried to explain. I shrugged and nodded as he pressed play on the screen. As the movie played on, I kept looking over at him, badly wanting to pull him close and have him lean against me. He was completely drawn in, oblivious to my insistent staring. I barely watched the movie, watching him instead. His eyes glanced over each moment of the screen, more interested into the movie than what I was doing. I brought my hand up to his hair and brushed back a strand. When he looked over at me, our eyes finally met and my heart stopped. He wasn't accusatory in his glance or any weirdness detected there. Rather, there was a look of soft surprise and adoration.** _

_**"Uh, there was a bit of popcorn," I swallowed suddenly.** _

_**Disappoint flood his eyes, but a smile pushed into his lips, "Oh. Thanks."** _

_**We went back to the movie and I tried to focus on some chase throughout New Orleans. The moment was gone and I would never get it again.** _

Back on that couch. In this apartment.

I went back, forcing myself to give him full attention again. This wasn't about me or my feelings. It was all about how he was going through something much worse than anything I ever went through. When I got back, there was a moment of hesitation before I sat on the couch again, putting on the headphones. I pressed play and again started to listen.

_Right now, this story is about Lee Chaelin. She is a senior fashion major in my Sociology class and we met through a class project. Both of us were taking the credit to get it out of the way. While I was a psychology major, the study of sociology seemed too simple for me. She wanted to study it to understand people and how human relationships work to better understand fashion. I didn't get the correlation, but I'm not really the artistic type, remember?_

_Chaelin and I exchanged numbers and addresses so we could work on the project a bit more, but we never talked beyond that._

_The entirety of the project was simple: study one pair of characters on a TV show and analyze their relationship. What's the true intentions? What is the story of their connnection and connect it to what we had just learned in the chapter we studied._

_We chose to do something simple: Romeo and Juliet._

_Apparently, I had focused too much on the ending of the story where they committed suicide._

_You, did barely anything, but still got high praises for your connection to whatever the fuck we had learned. Like I cared at that point._

_We never talked after the project was over._

_That is, until one night, she showed up on my doorstep, drunk and drugged up._

_I'm not sure why you did that, Chaelin. I just wanted to be alone that night, but instead, you showed up, begging for help._

_Let me paint the scene for you._

_I was home alone, watching TV and making a bit of dinner with the last of the food I had in my pantry. Some sort of reality show was on and I began yelling at the stupid main person it followed, not really knowing why I was yelling at it._

God he's so cute.

_As soon as I sat down to start eating, there was a loud knock on my door. I rolled my eyes and headed over to the door, my eyes trained on the person behind the knock-you._

_"Hey Youngjae," you slurred._

He was even making her sound drunk, slurring his voice just enough. God it made my heart ache.

_"Chaelin?" I raised an eyebrow, waiting for an explanation._

_"Can I c-come in?" you hiccuped and pushed past me regardless. Your hair was matted in the back and your makeup smudged completely._

_"Sure," I scoffed as I closed the door behind us. You sat on the couch, picking up my mac and cheese and started to eat it._

_"This is good mac and cheese, Y-Youngjae," you laughed, your teeth covered in cheesy goodness. I frowned, my stomach rumbling a little bit louder than necessary._

_"What are you doing here Chaelin?" I grabbed the mac and cheese from you and set it down on my kitchen peninsula that separated the kitchen and the living room._

_"I, um, kind of got kicked out of this party down the road," you slurred as you got up to walk around my apartment. I followed nervously, my eyes watching your every move to avoid you falling down drunk in my hallway or something. I considered calling Daehyun but I knew he was probably asleep. When I looked at my watch, it was already past three in the morning and I cursed at myself to get to bed earlier. I was trying to survive at this point, but let's be real, even my sleep schedule and my diet were killing me._

_You plopped down on my bed and laid back, your hair fanning over my pillow, "So I came here. You are always so nice. Why are you always so nice?"_

_"Isn't being nice good?" I asked._

_"Not when it makes you a pushover. Did you know you're a big pushover?" you laughed, drunken hiccups coming out as well._

_"No I didn't," I leaned against the doorway of my room and crossed my arms, letting my eyes settle on anything but you._

_"Yep. Big ole' pushover. Like, I could've done so much more of my project but you literally just let me push you to do it. Then, I show up here, and you don't even try to get me out of your apartment," you laugh as I swallow thickly. So not only am I unwanted as told by Amber but now I'm a pushover as well. Too nice._

_"You need to leave," I took a deep breath in and move towards the bed._

_"Oh look," you laugh, "he's grown a set of balls."_

_"Shut up," I scoffed as I moved again. There was a moment of silence before you laughed loudly, frantically._

_"You won't kick a drunk girl out on the streets. What if I get raped Youngjae?" you sat up suddenly. "Where's your bathroom? I need to throw up."_

_I stepped aside and pointed down the hall as you ran past me, your eyes shifting over my face. I stood in the door way, my life rushing around me as I tried to calm myself down from the rising panic attack in my chest._

_By the time you finished throwing up and I got you on the couch and asleep, I was in full blown panic attack mode. You were right. I wasn't going to kick you out because I'm weak. I'm weak and stupid and fat and ugly and nobody wants me anymore. I'm unneeded._

_IN fact, for all of those listening, Chaelin, you're sitting in the living room now, passed out. Don't worry, I won't do anything to you, but you made me realize that I'm such a pushover that one person told me not to kill myself and I allowed myself to believe I wouldn't._

_On my last tape, I mentioned that I disappeared for a week and only one person came to look for me. I want to share that, because Chaelin, you'll hear how much I am a pushover. You need to hear just how right you are, because what you just said to me, made me realize that I do need to kill myself. I was making these stupid tapes to send whenever I did. I would keep making reasons until I finally did it, but now that I'm sitting here and listening to all of them again, I can hear the definiteness in my voice as I describe each action. This tape here is so messy and so stupid. I'm rambling. I'm really losing it now._

_I left for a week after Amber told me I was a waste of space who nobody would miss. I just took one of Yongguk's cars, borrowed around $700 from my dad that I claimed was for textbooks, and drove for hours. I turned off my phone and I filled the gas tank up to full._

_When I was about a good 30 miles outside of town, I turned my phone back on, looking to see if there were any messages._

_None._

_So I turned it off and rented a hotel room, ready to stay for a couple of days. Maybe this is where I would kill myself._

_I contemplated it every day as I drove around looking for something to make me stay and care about myself again. I was desperate._

_At the end of every day, I would climb into bed, and turn on my phone._

_On the third day, I finally got one._

_Daehyun: "Where are you?"_

_I ignored it, trying to stick out to see if anybody else was going to contact._

_The end of the next few days were full of calls from Daehyun and a few texts asking me to pick up or call him back._

_Finally, I stopped ignoring him when I realized that he was the only person who was going to text me. The last day I was going to stay, I got a text again at the end of the day._

_It was from Daehyun and I still have it saved. Let me get my phone-hold on._

I was holding my breath, listening to the ruffling noises in the background. I remembered this briefly, not really categorizing it as a problem back then. Everybody was stressed from school, I just considered it one of those moments all college students have where they break. That's why I looked for him to make sure he wasn't passed out in the library or dying from exhaustion. Turns out he was just dying from the pain of living.

_He said, "Hey I know school sucks right now, but please know you can always blow off some steam with me. Where have you been these past few days? I miss you greatly."_

_I responded, "Just needed to clear my head. Didn't think anybody would notice I was gone."_

_Instantly, Daehyun responded. Yeah, well, of course somebody would. The nice Youngjae most of you saw was breaking slightly. He said, "Of course I noticed you were gone. Where are you now? Can we meet up for coffee or something? I need to stop studying and do something fun. You were the first person I thought of and I can't find you anywhere on campus."_

_Was I really the first person you thought of Daehyun?_

Yes. Yes. Yes. Always. You were the first person I thought of when I woke up in the morning. You were the first face I hoped I would see. You were the first person my mind went to when I listened to love songs. You were the first person I thought of no matter what.

_So pushover, nice me, I ran back to town. I met up with Daehyun and I actually had a good fucking time. I always had a good time when I was with Daehyun._

_I know this tape is short, but Chaelin, your effect on me is short lived. I'm about to go wake you up now so I hope you understand one thing: Watch what you say. You just made me realize that life is making me choose one last thing. It's pushing me to end it. End all of this pain now and stop all of the self hatred that is building inside me. I stopped caring about myself for a while now, but for once I just want to live a life without the constant thought of dying entering my mind._

_What do you think is after death? Do you think it's heaven, where we all meet up afterwards? Do you think it's eternal sleep, where our minds actually go on and on until finally the light dies out and we just sink into a darkness? Do you think we reincarnate?_

_If we did, I want to be somebody who doesn't care about what others say. I want to be free of the constant bothering of how I look. I don't want to love, because the heaviness on my soul is deep and rough as I realize that the person I love probably doesn't love me back._

_I am a pushover Chaelin. Even a fucking stranger from my sociology class can see it._

_Thank you._

_Send these to my fucking brother. You know him. Just fucking get them to him again. He's Reason Number 12._

The tape went silent and I sniff softly, the tears wet on my face. The stream of thoughts Youngjae was ranting about on this tape were jumbled and frayed as if he wanted to end everything about his life right then and there. He still had a few more messages to send out before he went and it was obvious my tape was the last one now. Why put me last? Why talk about me like I was a friend if I ended up hurting him in the end?

What else did his brother do to him? There was only one way of knowing as I flipped over the tape.


	13. Tape 6 Side B: Yongguk, Again

Youngjae was the sun of my life. I didn't realize it until he was gone but from the moment I met him, there was an intense burning of light around me. It was like he introduced me to the warmth the sun shed off and allowed it to kiss my skin. I couldn't believe that somebody as beautiful as him would ever exist but there he was, a beacon of light in the world. His life was so full of tragedy and unfair obstacles that at the time he was alive, it was like he absorbed everything bad in life just to allow those around him to take in the beauty that he exuberated. 

I took advantage of his light, like throwing on a hat to block it out while I still enjoyed the warmth it put out. I should've taken him in more and appreciated him. But now... now my entire world turned black and cold. I didn't have anything left in my life now that he was gone. I know that sounds dramatic and over the top, but Youngjae taught me that life could be dependent on others and that if they treat you a certain way, your whole life could be turned upside down by their actions.

He taught me that love is fleeting and if you don't take advantage of it then and there, it could be gone before you knew it. The entire time I knew Youngjae, I believed there would be a day he would know of my feelings and would know that he was the love of my life, but I never got that chance. I never got a chance to hold him in my arms and feel the softness of his hair carding through my fingers. Never got the chance to kiss him until the laughter bubbled out. Never got the chance to take him out on dates and spoil him until he felt guilty. Never got the chance to hold his hand and walk down the street with him.

I never got the chance to be somebody to him.

I slid in Yongguk's second tape and held my breath, listening to the room's silence before I could press play.

My light was gone as I sat in his dark apartment. The only thing that was left was the small flashlight of his voice that took the form of these tapes. I just needed it to guide my way out of my darkness.

_Hello Yongguk._

_We talked about it earlier, but you kind of broke my heart when you turned me away._

_You've listened to just about everything else going on in my life._

_You've probably felt so guilty that you can't function properly without crying. At least, I hope._

_When we were little, I wanted to be you. The cooler big brother who never really did anything but skate through life. You got away with everything, I mean, you were their first born. The year and a half before Yeji was born was probably hell for you as they poked and prodded at their newest edition to the family, so maybe that's where your resentment for me started._

_Mom always told me you weren't good with your words so maybe that's why we weren't close, but we both know that's not true. You write lyrics for Jiho-hyung sometimes and the two of you share philosophical talks so deep nobody can really understand what the fuck you're talking about._

_Dad always said you weren't good with emotions. He said you really did love me, but you didn't know how to show it. I believed that until that night. Then I realized you loved nobody but yourself and looked out for only yourself._

_The only time you showed me any emotion was just recently actually._

_Right now the date is December 14th. I plan to kill myself tonight after my last two tapes. I've planned some of these out and have almost sent them multiple times, but thankfully, I didn't._

_Did you know that recording these tapes took a lot of research on how to go back and edit tapes? I had to rerecord some of them to include the addresses and names of the next tapes and that alone was really fucking hard to figure out. Maybe I'm just stupid._

_But these last two tapes are final. This one is yours Yongguk, and the next one is Daehyun's._

Youngjae killed himself on December 15th actually. Or at least, that's apparently when his body was found. The only information that came out was that they found his body and he was dead-suicide. Nobody would say where they found his body and nobody would say how he actually died. There was no funeral, no memorial, nothing for him. The only way people actually grieved was through a small candle lit vigil the university held to commemorate his memory.

He was precise to the very end.

But of course, it's Youngjae. He would have everything planned.

_About a month ago, I had everything edited and ready to go. The tapes technically stopped at Chaelin, and I had just had to get them to the person who was going to send them out for me. After I had done that, the last thing left was to actually kill myself._

_So when I sat in my bedroom with a bottle of my antidepressants from Dr. Kwon, I was set in my mind. There was nothing left for me to say. I wanted to leave something separate for somebody else, but that would've been too much. Every time I had sat down to record it or write it, it was like a final goodbye I wasn't ready for._

_SO instead, I would just leave our last conversation as our final conversation._

_I sat there, ready to go, but I had one last thing to say. With the pills in my hands, I unlocked my phone and dialed my parents' number._

_"Youngjae," my mom sounded surprised when she picked up the phone._

_"Mom," my voice was solid for the first time in a while._

_"How are you?" she sounded tentative, waiting to hear what I had to say. I didn't blame her; I never called her out of the blue like this._

_"Do you remember when I was four and you brought me in from that really scary storm? And I thought I was going to die? You held me and told me that as long as I was on earth, you would love me and protect me," I spoke fast and I swallowed thickly._

_"Yes dear," she sighed out and took a deep breath in shortly after, "I still love you that much Youngjae."_

_"You don't have to anymore," and with that, I hung up the phone. I'm not actually sure what her thoughts after that were but I'm sure she understood the implication. That's how I know that you found out Yongguk. You lived closer so she probably called you to have you come check on me._

_I wish I hadn't made that call Yongguk. I wish I could've ended everything right there and then. My depression had taken such a hold of me at that point that there was only black inside of me. I couldn't see anything but the darkness of the world._

_I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could've grown up normal and happy, like everybody in our family. I wish you didn't have to rush in to see me slumped over on the floor, practically dead on the floor._

_I only remember taking the pills and laying back on my bed, ready to leave the world-something I had been wanting to do since I graduated high school. There was this buzzing noise, loud and annoying as I waited for darkness to take over and I remember your voice loud over the buzz. I just wanted everything to slip away but nothing was working as you called the ambulance. Everything gets fuzzy here, but I have a distinct inkling of you trying to make me throw up as you cried over the phone._

_Nothing makes sense here. For some reason, I remember you holding me and crying about how much you loved me. Did you really do that? Or was that my subconscious painting a memory of something that I wished for? It felt so life like. I remember your warmth and the cold tears that fell on my face as you kept trying to pull me close._

_When I woke up in the hospital a few days later, you were by my bed side, gripping my hand as you slept softly. I tried to move away, my breath heavy in the room. You stirred, looking surprised as I blinked groggily at the white hospital._

_For all of those still with us, please get out your maps. Go to the hospital now, sit in the waiting room, roam the halls, do something to breathe in that synthetic life smell._

It was almost pathetic how quickly I stood up. There was no hesitation getting my stuff together to go to the hospital. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and moved to the door, ripping it open. The cold hit me and I blinked to get used to it before rushing out. I closed the door behind me and locked it. When I turned to walk away, Yongguk was in front of me, his eyes watering at the sight of me.

"Are you at my tape yet?" his words were slightly muffled and I slid the headphones off as I paused the tape as well.

"Yes," I nodded.

He breathed in, his words coming out slowly as he held back tears, "I'll drive you to the hospital. I have a lot to tell you."

Instead of prying, I followed him, my eyes looking over his entire being. Yongguk and I were very different in height and build. He bore tattoos all over his arms while I only had one. His hair was black and slicked back as though he was trying to impress a biker gang. Mine was my natural dark brown and loosely styled out of haste to start my day today. He was dressed in tight jeans and a loose leather jacket. I followed behind in jeans and a sweater with Youngjae's jacket over it. We looked completely opposite.

It was the only thing I could focus on as we made our way to his car parked by our apartments. As soon as we were in the car and pulling out of the parking lot, he gestured to the tape player. I took this as him telling me to listen so I clicked play.

_There was a silence between us as you let out a sigh of relief. Like it would've been a burden to deal with my death. Again, a fucking burden._

_"Thank god," you muttered as you leaned up to hug me. I didn't move, almost like I couldn't. You pulled away and swallowed thickly. "Mom and Dad are on their way back. We were worried about you, Youngjae."_

_"Oh now you are?" I scoffed and turned my head away.  
_

_"I know that I haven't been a good brother to you-" you tried to give me excuses._

_"Save it." I snapped at him and shut you out. I know you talked after that but I was so focused on how to get away and try again. I would try until I got it right. I don't care if it wasn't meant to be or I was meant to be alive or any type of bullshit that people were trying to say. I listened for days about how God saved me. But it was you Yongguk. You saved me._

_I never thought I would resent you for that. I never thought I would be so angry that you came in and pulled the plug on my plan. I just wanted to die. I just wanted to end the pain of my life, yet you came in and gave me a reason to live._

_You gave me a brother I didn't know I had._

_It was 4 in the morning and we were both sitting in the hospital room. There was some bullshit movie on and you hadn't left my side technically since you found me. I turned to you out of anger and frowned. You had a smile on your face._

_"Why are you smiling?" the words were loud in the semi-quiet room._

_"Because you're here Youngjae," it sounded simple to you._

_"That's not a reason to smile," I turned away and looked back at the television screen._

_"I know I've been stupid and untrusting, but you can confide in me Youngjae. I know I didn't let you before, and I'm so sorry for that. But you can come to me and just talk to me Youngjae," the words were too late._

He was now yelling, his voice reaching a new level of hurt and pain. I let the tears fall as Yongguk pulled up to the hospital. I looked up, my whole being unable to move as each word paralyzed me even more.

_You see, I wish I could've leaned on you and talked to you, but that would've been the pushover me. I couldn't bow down to another plea to stay, because this isn't your life. This isn't Jaebum's, Youngjae's, Jiyong's, Himchan's, Yeji's, Jongup's, Junhong's, Shownu's, Amber's, or Chaelin's life. Every single one of you did something to harm me or deter my life. Your actions weren't just innocent or unplanned. Some of you meant to hurt me. Some of you didn't know you were until it was too late. There's some innocence left in this world but none of it had to do with me. All of you decided to hurt me one way or another. You honestly allowed me to continue on without one apology or check up to see how I was doing after my life was royally fucked by you._

_Jaebum and Youngjae are still together, in college, happy fuckers._

_Jaebum still beats him, you know?_

_Jiyong is now going out with somebody else and enjoying a full ride in the art department. He graduated last year and last I heard was now a graphics designer part time._

_Himchan went somewhere else for college, only texting to remind me of something I might owe him or to cry about his own pathetic problems._

_Yeji and I never really talk anymore, our relationship strained past oblivion._

_Junhong moved out of town from what I heard, his parents needing a better doctor to take care of his addictions and disorders._

_Jongup is still doing the same thing at his parents club, just now he's drinking legally._

_Shownu is now **engaged**_ _to the girl he was cheating on me with. Sent me an invite actually. What great fucking luck am I right?_

_Amber is basically only at home now, her disorder taking over to the point that she can't function in public. She's tried to call me and left multiple messages on my phone that I refuse to listen to. It's all fake anyways. None of it really matters anyways._

_Chaelin, who the fuck knows? She's really just the final nail that drove me into this spiral of fucking insanity that I don't want to get into anymore._

_And you Yongguk?_

_You stayed with me until today. You asked if it was okay if you went grocery shopping for a bit and I asked for you to get some extra things from my apartment. This is the final thing I have to do. Just your last tape fully thanking you for literally making me feel like a piece of shit for doing this to you. You saved me when I was guilt free._

_Now I feel guilty for doing this to you._

_Because I saw how much you cared for me in the end._

_But today, on December 14th, I have to do it. My heart is too heavy and my life is officially rock bottom._

_Goodbye Yongguk. I'll leave a note on how to get the last tape to Daehyun. The rest of you won't be able to listen to his tape. His tape is a bit more... personal._

_You won't understand any of it anyways. It was a part of my life that seemed... unreal._

_Goodbye to all of you who stayed and listened. Goodbye Yongguk._

_I won't have to deal with any of this anymore. I'm now free._

The tape ended and I could tell that Yongguk was waiting for me to say something. When I looked over, he was holding back a flood of tears.

"I tried Daehyun," he finally let them out, his body shaking with each sob, "I tried so hard to get him to stay. I told him that he had stuff going for him but with each tape he forced me to listen to, I didn't realize-there's no way I could've known- I-"

"Yongguk," I breathed out, trying to hold back my own freak out, "Breathe."

"He loved so harshly. He wanted the best for people even though he never could truly do it for himself," Yongguk sniffled and took a deep, long breath. "I just wanted him to know how loved he really was. I just want him to know that."

I swallowed and looked out the window as Yongguk composed himself more, "When I found out, I didn't want to live anymore either. It sounds so childish and stupid but he made my life so much more worth it. He made me feel like everything in my life wasn't boring. He gave so much happiness into my day. I thought he was okay."

"I did too," his voice was soft and deep. There was a moment of silence before he took the chance to look at me with a calmness that wasn't there before, "Youngjae made me give you your tape separately than everybody else. I haven't even listened to it, but there was a note along with it. I have the extra set of tapes Daehyun, so don't worry about losing these if you need them again, but it's in your box, along with the note."

"Thank you Yongguk," I muttered, unsure of what to really say.

"He also said that you would need my car before you listened to it, so I'm going to go home now. You can use it for as long as you need to. I've got like three more at home," he turned off the car and handed me the keys, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Wait, did you know he was going to try again?" my anger rising.

"Listen to the tape Daehyun," he avoided my question and got out of the car with a small breath. He slammed the door shut behind him, his eyes avoiding mine completely as he walked out of site. I frowned, as I opened my backpack. I slid the box with the tapes out and sat it in my lap for the last time. When I opened it, sure enough there was my tape. A giant 7 was written on the spine with a dark blue marker. When I opened the case, a note fell out and I swallowed, opening it up to read it.

_Daehyun,_

_I wanted this tape to be my last goodbye to you. In the past year, we've gotten extremely close. I'll explain everything that you meant to me and played a part in with your tape, but I truly need you away from everything and everybody._

_Do you remember the cabin you and I went out to a couple of months ago? The one your parents own that you gave me the key to? Please go there before listening to your tape. When you're alone and inside, listen to your tape while you remember me._

_I never wanted to hurt you. You were the most precious to me Daehyun. You were my best friend throughout so much shit and you didn't even know you were helping me. You were clueless to the bullshit in my life and I used you as an escape and I want to thank you througholy for that._

_Youngjae_

I swallowed, my heart racing as I folded up the note and put it back in the box.

The only other thing I could do was drive out there, hopefully remembering the way.

Youngjae and I had gone out there over a weekend to escape studying and everybody who was on our nerves at the time. There wasn't much else to it. We slept in separate beds and went out and hiked around the forests. We laughed, got dirty, and came back to take baths in the small, barely functioning bathroom. My parents had bought the cabin when I was born to allow them a getaway from being parents. Kind of shitty, but they rarely used it, claiming they loved me too much for them actually go away from me. Fucking cheesy, but it was something Youngjae never experienced.

I got out of the passenger's side and made my way around to the other side of the car, pulling out my cigarrettes as I did. I leaned against the driver's side door, lighting a cigarrette and letting it hang from lips softly.

The wind was cold as it blew through the remaining trees. The new year was about to start, excitement buzzing wherever sadness didn't reside in our town. 

I couldn't imagine a new year without Youngjae.


	14. Tape 7: Daehyun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Triple Update today: Yongguk's, Daehyun's, and the last chapter)

I flicked out my cigarrette and climbed into the car, pushing the keys into the ignition to start it up again. Once I was buckled in and ready to leave, my thoughts turned from dark to Youngjae. Where he is, there is always light. I tried to remember everything good about him. His smile, sweet and innocent, always made its way to my heart, making it thump erratically. His way of seeing everything in a different perspective-which I guess is due to the sadness he was used to and how that led to letting him see the good and bad in everything-used to amaze me.

I drove out of the parking lot, allowing the sun lead me in the right direction. There was an almost tranquil silence to the town as I headed out to the cabin. Once I hit the highway, I was golden, reminiscing about Youngjae in every way possible.

The car was awful to say the least. It roared loudly and felt low to the ground. I didn't do much driving anyway. I only had my license because of the "driving is cool" fad in high school most people went through. My dad allowed me to actually get my license once I turned 16. Out of everybody I knew, I was the only one with a license so I was always the one to drive in my parents first beat up mini-van.

I listened softly to the radio on my way, counting down the miles until I would get there. I needed to hear his voice again and say my final goodbyes. It still bothered me that Yongguk talked to Youngjae about the tapes before he did it. Did Yongguk know what the tapes were when Youngjae was telling him what to do with them? Did he knew he was going to die soon?

I guess he did, since he didn't die on the 14th but rather the 15th. Maybe he was going to, but needed to give Yongguk the tapes. Maybe Yongguk listened to the first few and realized what was going on. Maybe he tried to stop him but this time he was unsuccessful and found him too late. I would have to ask Yongguk when I got back.

The open road was just as beautiful as it was the first time I drove down it. I was only ten in the back of my parents car. Back then, camping at our cabin seemed silly but I still enjoyed every moment of it. That was before my parents decided it was time to focus solely on their jobs. Way before any of this happened and my life would be shifted off it's axis.

Twelve years later and I momentarily enjoyed the soft blow of wind rolling across my cheeks from the rolled down windows of the piece of shit car. My mouth opened slightly as I slowed to an old bridge, taking the car at a slower pace as the wood creaked underneath the heavy tires. My dark eyes watched the road ahead of me as the car reached over the bridge, the creaking a testimony to the world around me.

The box on the seat grew more interesting with time. I had vowed Yongguk I would wait until I got to the cabin. That's all I had to do before I could listen to the last tape. As I pulled up to the dusty cabin, my heart beat so harshly against my own chest, almost bursting at the possibility. What if I didn't like what I heard on my tape? I had listened to everything so far and I had only been mentioned once, so how could I be a reason?

But this wouldn't be the intricate suicide letter that Youngjae planned out. No. This wouldn't be the way he would've ended things if it made sense. Youngjae was intricate and beautiful. He was everything-timeless and striking. This was the end of Youngjae's life but never his story.

And now, I was pulling up to the cabin now, my heart racing as I slowed to a stop at the small parking spot outside. As soon as I put the car into park and pulled out the tape, I felt my body shiver. I was finally going to listen to my tape.

_Hi Daehyun._

_It's just you and I right now._

_First of all, I want to start at the beginning of our story, because for me, it felt like it was on a different timeline than the rest of the people on these tapes._

Tears already welled in my eyes as I closed them, breath fanning over the dashboard of the car.

_I want you to know that you were never a reason. I'm sorry I made you sit through all of this thinking you were, but you needed to hear everything. I decided that a long time ago but never really thought about it until I decided to record this. I mentioned you even, saying hi to you on I think Jiyong's tape and such, but I didn't realize that I would actually sit here and record this._

_First of all-_

_You're a reason I might stay._

_Fuck I really want to. I really want to stay alive and have you come find me and we run off into the sunset away from this bullshit town but I can't expect you to actually do that. Like, you do have friends here. You have an education and a life that you could build from._

_Second of all-_

_I'm so madly in love with you._

What?

_So incredibly madly in love with you and you'll never actually hear this in person, so please accept this confession._

_I love you, Jung Daehyun. I have for as long as I can remember._

_Please let me tell you how I fell in love with you._

My heart raced as the tears fell unwillingly. There wasn't any other moment than now that I wanted to find him. Did he know, then? That I loved him back? Or was I the one he kept mentioning about not loving him back? Did he really believe I didn't love him?

I found it hard to swallow. I couldn't breathe. I listened on.

_I first saw you in eighth grade right before our freshman year of high school. You were running around the halls, throwing paper everywhere as you declared that "School was out" and you were screaming so lively that I believed you were the life of the school alone._

_I didn't know who you were until the next year though. I sat at the back of my english class and watched as you stood up and introduced yourself. You made a crack joke about chickens that I don't even remember. To be honest, I was too busy staring at you and just how beautiful you are._

_I noticed you from afar for so long. So when Himchan and I became friends, I begged him to introduce us._

_"I don't really know him, Youngjae," he frowned, his eyes casting a look onto me. That was our sophomore year. Then, I noticed you again our junior year at the diner. I had watched you in the school musical just a few hours before in awe at how good you were. Your voice is beautiful Daehyun, please never stop singing._

_Himchan and I may have been talking about what we were talking about, but I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be desireable._

_I wanted you to want me._

_I know we didn't meet until our senior year, but I felt like you and I were already on a first name basis. All of our friends were friends, but we had never been around each other. I needed you in my life at that point._

_We only hung out in groups, both of us too awkward to say or do anything around each other. You were friendly and a little bit jumpy when we first met. I needed that._

_Then, we became best friends. It was slowly through college. There was that day at the lake that you and I went out to yell. Mainly me. It was after I broke up with Shownu._

_Then there was the ski trip we went on together._

_Just small memories like this that I hope you remember._

_I don't know when I fell in love with you, but I think it was sometime during the year we last spent together. Every day with you was another reason to stay. I'm sorry my depression won in the end. I always tried to place you before it._

_God I wish I could just kiss you once before I go._

_You were kind to me. You made me feel included. You made me feel like I was wanted. You saved me the week I ran away and you saved me when I was awake at 4 am freaking out about something._

_Do you remember that night we were walking down to the convenience store a couple blocks from our apartment and you tripped and busted your knee open? I know you were in pain but it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. You literally only had busted it open where the rip in your jeans were. I listened to you rant for forty five minutes about how you should sue the jean manufacturers for your pain and suffering. I laughed, knowing you were just joking, but it made me smile that you could be so inventive with something like that._

_Do you remember when we went to the movies and sat in the back of an empty theater waiting for the movie to start and how one of us would run up to the front and charade something out? We did that for thirty minutes before realizing we were in the wrong theater. I still remember you trying to charade "A Walk To Remember" and you kept trying to mime out death by somebody choking. I couldn't stop laughing my ass off, realizing just exactly what you were doing. Please go there again when all of this over and remember that. That movie theater held a lot of what I considered to be our non official dates._

_I wanted so bad to tell you at these moments that you made me the happiest I had been in years._

_But I couldn't overlook the days we weren't together. Because as soon as we parted ways, my life would flip back onto the timeline of fucking exhausting depression that I had to go through. My entire life was just a line of fuck ups waiting to catch up with me._

_I know you'll feel guilty for some of this and you'll probably burrow yourself away, but please remember that eventually, you'll get over me. You'll feel the pain of life and you'll know that it can get better for you. Because you deserve it Daehyun. You deserve true happiness and I wish I could give that to you._

_God, I know I sound so stupid right now. I want to stay and tell you all of this in person, but if I did, that wouldn't be right. In my heart, I know I need to do this. I know I need to leave this earth and maybe, in the next life, we could reunite._

_I love you so much Daehyun._

_Please don't forget me._

There was a long silence I couldn't breathe through. I knew the tape wasn't finished and I waited for another sound. Tears were still streaming down my face as I tried to breathe.

_Wait._

Wait? Wait what?

_I can't sit here and act like I can do this without seeing you one last time. I need to see you._

_But I can't. Yongguk is watching my every move._

_Plus, you probably will tell me no._

No, I wouldn't. I would say yes to anything you ever ask me to do. I just wish you would've realized that.

_You are everything I need in life Daehyun._

_I need to leave at least this town. I mean, if you exist, not everything in my life can be so awful, right?_

_What if..._

What if what? Please, dear god. I sat up, leaning forward as if that would make him talk faster. A silence filled the tape again and then a change of background noise started playing. I listened quietly as I recognized the breathing as Youngjae's.

_I know I joked about it before Daehyun, but I need you to find me. I can't leave this world without knowing there's no chance for you and I. Because if there is a chance Daehyun, I would work on myself, for real this time, and I would try to heal. I would do anything to provide a lifetime of happiness for you. I would want to wake up every day and go and fetch you breakfast before you wake up. I would want to get ready with you before we headed off to our separate classes. I would want to come home after a shitty day and order pizza while we both did our homework._

_I need to know if you want to do all of that too. Because I can't see past college. I can't see past any of that because that's too far away for me._

_I need to know if you can do this because if you find me, and you feel the same way, I'll stay._

_I told you._ _You're not a reason why._

_You're a reason why not._

The tape ended.

Did this mean...?

Did this mean that he was alive? 

I looked up and all around the car, my eyes peeled on everything around me. There had to be a reason for him having me come out here. It couldn't have been just a random request to relive our weekend out here. Was he inside? Waiting for me?

I had to take a deep breath before I opened the car door, my eyes peeled on the front door. There was slight movement from behind a window and I choked on a sob I didn't know was coming up.

Then, like an angel descending onto Earth, he stepped out of the cabin, his eyes trained on my every move.

"Hi Daehyun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have one last chapter until the end! Thank you guys for sticking with me and I know that you guys will be happy with the end. I know a lot of you have been reading while crying and I'm sorry for causing you guys tears. I honestly didn't know that people would actually read this, but I'm so happy and thankful you guys did. Again, if you want to yell at me (and please do I love talking to those who read this), my twitter is @jollyjiho right now. You can cuss at me and everything, seriously. Like I'm encouraging it lol


	15. The End: Youngjae

"Youngjae?" the rock in my throat settled at the bottom of my stomach as I closed the car door.

"You finished listening to it, right?" he asked, his eyes looking at me with such fragility. I took in every detail of him. His nose scrunched up slightly as he ran a hand through his light brown hair. He looked softer and weaker. He was dressed in a pair of my sweatpants that I probably left here along with a long gray sweater. I didn't know that somebody could look so soft.

"Yes," I nodded, the air awkward between us. I just needed him to be okay. I just needed to touch him. He waited in the doorway, fidgeting awkwardly. I couldn't believe he was in front of me, alive. It seemed like a dream. How could any of this be happening? The whole town believed he was dead. Everybody I knew was mourning him in some way or another. The tapes were just the topping on the sundae. But here he was, alive and breathing.

"So, um," he started. I took a few steps towards him, nearing the edge of the porch. He met me halfway and we were so close I could see his chest move when he took a breath. He really was here. So this is why they didn't have a memorial or a funeral. This is how Yongguk was able to talk to him before the tapes were sent out. None of this felt real.

"You're really here?" I asked. He nodded, his eyes watching my every move.

"Do you-" he tried to start again, "I mean, can you-"

I stopped him, pressing my lips against his. He froze for a split second before leaning in, his hands cupping my cheeks. His lips were soft as they fit just perfectly against mine. I kept kissing him, not bothering to come up for air any time soon. I only stopped when I felt his cheeks getting wet. "You fucker, I love you too."

He tried to breathe in, tears and a laugh coming all at once, "Are you sure? Even after hearing all of that?"

He must be fucking crazy to not know, "I've loved you from the moment I met you. I just didn't know it yet. Nothing will ever change that. Just, please, don't-"

"I won't," he shook his head, his hands still on my cheeks. I had wrapped my arms around his waist, his body feeling foreign to me. I looked back over him, taking in every memory.

"But why? Why tell everybody you did? Who knows that you're alive?" I swallowed.

"Come inside, we can sit down and talk. Please, I just want to be near you," he pleaded.

I laughed softly, "I'll follow you anywhere if it means you won't leave like that again."

 

We went inside and I looked around the small cabin. I almost felt earthereal watching him move around with my own eyes. It felt like I was lucid dreaming. We sat on the couch a couple of inches away from each other, but I couldn't take the distance so I grabbed his hand in between mine. He laughed at that, wrapping his fingers around one of my hands.

"Please explain," I whispered in the small space.

"Well," he swallowed thickly, "After I first attempted a couple of weeks ago, I tried again after I recorded the first version of your tape. It was a lot like the one you listened to, but that one I actually say goodbye. Yongguk came in right before I could do anything though and stopped me again. We had this huge crying session and he told me that I can't stay in this town anymore because the people here are killing me and who I am. I mean, other than you and now him, he's right. For the first time in my life, my brother actually gave me some solid advice."

I nodded, "He was really torn up about not being there for you."

"I told him all is forgiven," Youngjae smirked softly, "I really didn't know that he would become my savior in all of this. But I thought about it all night and finally I told him that I needed to leave and that him and the family should come up with some story about how I died and then he should still send out the tapes. We talked about your tape and I told him I would be here. He came out to see me after you saw him last night. Once I knew that you had the tapes, I knew it. I just knew you'd be here soon."

Youngjae squeezed my hand as I stared at him in awe, "It's just so-"

"Look I'm sorry I put you through the pain of thinking I was dead. And for all of those tapes. Like, I didn't want you to have to find out that way but I couldn't just have Yongguk show up and bring you here. It needed to happen that way," he started to ramble.

"Youngjae-" I scooted closer to him.

"And I need you to know that you can be angry at me. I would be angry at me," he kept talking. I leaned forward and kissed him again as a smile covered his whole face.

"Youngjae I'm not angry," I pulled away and brought my hands to his face. "I could never be angry at you. You needed to get away. I understand."

"Thank you," his tears were coming back and I pulled him closer to me.

"But what if people find out? Like it can't be kept a secret that you're alive forever," I swallowed thickly. 

"I need to leave," Youngjae sighed, "I'm probably going to move somewhere on the east coast but I haven't decided yet. By the time anybody finds out, I'll be long gone and away from anybody. It'll be enough time to actually figure out what I'll be doing with my life. Enough time to heal."

"I'll go with you," I responded immediately.

"You don't have to. I understand if you-" Youngjae tried to shake his head.

"No," I breathed out, "I don't really have anybody else that I care about as much as I care about you Youngjae. Let me come with you."

"I'm not going to be happy all the time. You'll have to put up with my dark days too," he swallowed and burrowed in closer to me.

"I'm not letting you go again. No matter what," I breathed in his scent. It was a mix of the musk of the woods and the freshness of grass. His body felt frail wrapped in my arms but I swore I was never going to lose him again.

 

 

**_Three Months Later_ **

The stairs up to our apartment never seemed to end as I carried up the package left outside of the complex door. I looked it over and found the return address. It was from Yongguk, probably sending another care package from his parents and him. I smirked, remembering the emotional goodbye they had at the cabin before Youngjae and I left.

My parents took it as a complete surprise that I wanted to leave. I had come home briefly to grab some clothes and some important belongings before calling them to tell them of my decision. Youngjae and I hadn't decided where we were going to go but for a couple weeks following we talked about college choices and different locations we could go.

Finally we decided on The University of Chicago. Both of us could transfer easily and Chicago seemed big enough and just the right fit. It was clear across the country, far from the town we grew up in. Once all the paperwork was set up, I dipped into my savings to gather enough money to cover the deposit on a small apartment and the moving costs for the both of us. Once we got all of our stuff in a moving truck and actually packed up the rest (well mostly Yongguk and I since Youngjae still avoided coming into town), we left without a word to anybody else.

It had been two months since we had settled in and we were going to live here, working for the moment, while we waited for the next semester to start.

Youngjae had found a new therapist and was attending regularly. It was struggle, but he continually pushed for progress. His meds were regulated and he had seemed brighter than before. He claimed he was doing a lot better but that it could bounce back at any moment.

As soon as I opened the door to our apartment, I took in the familiar scent of him once again. He was lying on the couch, flipping through the channels on our TV with such vigor that it seemed like he was completely bored and awaiting my return.

"Honey, I'm home!" I cried out in a sarcastic and overdramatic voice.

"Oh thank god," he rolled over on the couch to face me with a huge smile.

"Miss me?" I strolled over, the package still held in my arms. He stood up on his knees on the couch and pulled me in for a soft kiss.

"It's been so boring today. I hate when our days off don't overlap," he pouted and I kissed him again.

Before either of us could say anything else, my phone rang loud in the small apartment. I rolled my eyes and pulled it out, recognizing the number right away.

"Answer it," Youngjae noticed too as I frowned, swallowing thickly.

I slid to answer it, "Hello?"

"Daehyun," Jongup's voice was thick as he greeted me, "I just got out of jail this morning and I thought I should give you a call."

"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow. Youngjae watched me with a worried expression.

"I just wanted you to know that my brother was stabbed while in jail. I don't know if you found out from somebody at home or not," he sounded mechanical, almost like he rehearsed this.

"I moved actually," I bit my lip, "But um, I'm sorry to hear that."

Jongup laughed bitterly, "I'm not. Fucker deserved to die. He's a rapist Daehyun. I wish I was never related to him."

"Still Jongup he's family. You can grieve if you need to," I looked up to the ceiling and slid to sit next to Youngjae on the couch.

"Thank you Daehyun," Jongup let out a breath of relief, "Just... take care of yourself."

"I will. You too," I bit the inside of my cheek. We said our goodbyes and I hung up.

"Did he really say what I think he just said?" Youngjae blinked.

I looked up and kissed Youngjae softly, "Yes."

"So he's dead? That guy who-? He's dead?" Youngjae looked relieved as he leaned against me. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and held him tight. "I know he's Jongup's brother but I can't tell you how relieved I am."

"It's okay to be relieved," I whispered in his ear. He nodded and I felt him melt to me. "So! Another care package from your family."

We turned our attention to that and I could never have felt happier in the moment as looking at him. He was alive. He was on his way to happiness. He was here.

Youngjae may have felt like his life wasn't worth living, I'm just glad I gave him a reason to stay.

It wasn't something that I thought was possible. 

"Hey Dae," he brought me back to attention.

"Yeah?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I love you," he bit his bottom lip and looked away shyly.

I grabbed his chin and brought his eyes back to me as I slowly kissed him again. I could feel him physically melt into me before we leaned into the couch and more into each other. When we finally pulled away, we were both slightly out of breath and slightly more dazed, "I love you too."

We stayed like that for a few more minutes before turning back to the care package. They usually sent food and self help books. It was their way of trying to help. Youngjae found it endearing, his cynicism towards his parents melting once he got the first package from them. Yongguk called regularly to check up on his younger brother, trying to communicate in every way possible.

It was refreshing to see the two of them getting along so well. Youngjae needed that family connection to actually start to heal. Yeji still separated herself from her brother and actually refused to mention him in anything she did. When it broke that he had committed "suicide" she acted like she never had a brother named Youngjae. I had met her again when we were packing up Youngjae's stuff. She had acted like it was all stupid packing up for a fake dead person. Yet when she found out about Jongup going to jail, Yongguk told me she cried for hours. She was truly the crazy one of the family.

Youngjae still loved her though. Underneath his hurt exterior, he was truly loving and caring on the inside. He asked me to keep up with the eleven others from the list. I did as he asked.

Jaebum ended up dropping out of college and works at the gas station now.

Youngjae continued in college and opened up a support group for those in abusive relationships.

Jiyong painted a mural of Youngjae's life on the side of a building on campus with the words "I'm Sorry" written on the bottom. He lost his job after not showing up for a month. He's apparently still unemployed.

Himchan continued on in college but admitted himself into a psychiatric facility to help with his own issues of eating disorders.

Junhong was eventually arrested for child pornography since most of his sexual partners on his website were under the age of 18. He's serving out a sentence of 15 years altogether.

Shownu ended up actually cancelling his wedding and moving out of his ex-fiance's house. He's now bouncing from couch to couch.

Amber is still MIA and probably under her father's care. Yongguk asked about her from Dr. Kwon and apparently her disorder had gotten so bad since Youngjae's "suicide" that she refused to go out and had been in a swing of depression since then.

Chaelin had graduated college but was unable to get a job. Last either Yongguk or I had heard about her, she was partying recklessly and through every bit of money she had. Nobody had seen her sober since the news of Youngjae came out.

Everybody else we talked to regularly, excluding Jongup who until today had been in prison.

Youngjae took these small updates as stepping stones to improving. Knowing that some of them were overcame with guilt or that some of them were affected from his actions gave him a piece of mind he didn't know he needed.

In the end, he found other reasons to stay.

He turned his free time into writing out each and every reason that he found to stay.

Which turned into 13 Reasons Why Not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANNNNNNNNNND that's it :) Thank you guys again for reading!! I love you all dearly
> 
> also i can't believe i finished a fic bc lol dear lord i never finish them, but this one is near and dear to my heart.
> 
> also please read the original by Jay Asher because the book is ten times better! They're also coming out with a netflix series based off his original book so lol watch that as well
> 
> I really want to thank aiden for being my #1 supporter with this. without him, i don't think i would've continued. he was also my sounding board and i love him with all my heart. this fic is dedicated to u bro
> 
> again, come yell at me @jollyjiho and also comment, kudos, and whatever else :)


	16. Authors Note/Thanks

Hello guys! 

I know the finish of 13 Reasons Why seems a bit rushed, but I want you guys to know that this isn't the last you will see of these two. 

I am planning a sequel called 13 Reasons Why Not that will detail Youngjae's recovery and his relationship with Daehyun. This time it'll be in Youngjae's point of view (probably)((I'm still planning it)). 

It meant a lot that you guys read this story. I poured my heart and soul into this and some moments were personal to me. To know that you guys read this and have been so nice about it makes me feel so proud and triumphant that I am no longer in that place that Youngjae was in and I'm in a better place to actually write something like this.

Please keep commenting if you read this, share it, and give it as much love as you can to motivate me for the sequel.

I will let you guys know that the sequel will probably be up after the new year since work has been a bit crazy and won't slow down until after the holidays. 

I love you guys!!  
Audrey :)


	17. Sequel Uploaded!

Hi guys! The first chapter to the sequel is now uploaded on my profile. It's called 13 Reasons Why Not. Sorry it took me forever but yeah, thank you for being patient!!


End file.
